I'm not sure. I mean I have plenty of more time to think about it, when I can. I just am busy trying to get everything done. I wish I could say that, I'm just done and beyond exhausted holding on to things I thought were important to me and realize how unreasonable they are. Being stuck here has caused me to feel like, I don't want to be here to live someone else's dream. I don't care who wants what out of me. I'm doing it my way and that's final. It's a point of my life, that's been a long time dealing with all my life, I got tired of others dictating me how I should live my life to their standards.

Many times, I'd rather run away and not have anything on me. Even if I starve or suffer for quite some time. My body has felt extreme pain plenty of times, I'll get used to it.

I am just used to people using me, I ask people what they want from me all the time.
I don't want anything to do with anyone. I'd rather die with what I do find my happiness at a time when I feel I lost control of where my life was heading. When I die I won't look back wherever or whatever happens. I may be disillusioned to believe I'll die somewhere peaceful or nothing or whatever. I don't know no one does, but as long as I'm not here. I don't care. I feel like existing has ran it's time out from me. I feel more exhausted than ever. I feel the indifference I receive and being stuck in an environment where happy addicted people are shoving stuff down my throat to be more like them when I'm unhappy for like one time or two. I hope my life won't depend on these people on my death bed, they'd keep me alive to think they are having lasting memories, but I'd be in so much physical pain. I'd probably kill myself in front of them regardless what they'd do, because I'm not indifferent. I'm just frightened deep down and just want to stay away from these crazy people.