I've been in a bit of a depressed spell the last few weeks, but this past 7 days or so things have been good. I woke up on Friday in a generally good mood but I felt like I could have cried at any given moment. I have no reason, but I woke up and just felt it.

Today, I woke up feeling a bit crappy both physically and mentally. I'm not a sick person, but i've been tired and achy for the last two weeks or so. I almost want to go to the doctor (I do have a history of light anemia) but ever since my obgyn put depression/self injury in my chart I almost don't trust anyone to take me seriously.

I've wanted to cry since I woke up this morning. I pushed through it but it was there. I came home from church and watched the news and saw the little boy protesting the Ferguson chaos by holding a *free hugs* sign and I looked up the story and just started bawling. I cried so hard my head and throat hurt and I'm still teary eyed over it.

Then, I've been a bit on a Jesus Loves Me kick and trying to really get to know God (my own personal belief). Reading the bible made me feel like humans, in general, or a sucky group of people. It flat out said that God regretted making us and I look at the world today and don't much blame him.

Went on to do some random googling, and pretty much read that not only do humans suck but human females are worth even less than a human man. And it's not that I want to be "over" a man - truth be told, I don't want to be over anybody. I can barely care for myself. But to be told that I'm worth half of a man? T and I have been working on self worth (she's mentioned that this is the underlying reason for my suicidality) and now i'm being told that i'm unworthy - I just don't know what to believe or how to deal anymore. So I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor bawling again, because i'm just this unworthy piece of life that God never really liked in the first place.

Also, It's not a big secret that females get their cycle so i'm not going to tip toe around the issue. I'm on mine. While I do sometimes get a bit weepy, I wouldn't flat out say that I have PMDD - I really don't think I do. I just...don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like such a freak of nature right now.