Quote:
Originally Posted by lostandconfused2014
Deep down I feel I should just leave my BF because now I've cheated - with the same guy that has continually come between us. My BF noticed a difference in me. I tried leaving him - it was difficult to do it without telling him I cheated on him. So, I didn't tell him and we are still together. I explained how unhappy and unsure I was and that I wanted some time. He said that there is no taking time. Either we are together or we are done, for good. I'm scared I am not gonna make the right decision. My BF keeps asking what he can do to make this better for me or to make me happier and I just don't know if anything will work. I am unhappy and maybe I've been unhappy but willing myself to stay because I don’t want to be alone. And now I feel rejected at the same time by the other guy. Maybe he did mean those things he said but doesn’t want the drama of me being in a relationship. Or maybe he didn’t mean any of it.
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Your bf is incorrigibly stupid. Since he is already 27 so his brain development can be viewed as complete, I would not expect positive changes.
When he says that there is no taking time, he is giving you an ultimatum and is controlling you, pushing you, forcing you to decide faster than you are comfortable with. This is a very big thing. If a person does this thing, he should not AT THE SAME TIME inquire how to make this better for you, because, duh, the obvious thing to make it better is to back off and respect that you need time to ponder things. In my experience, when a person does it, making two mutually exclusive statements just because each statement separately serves a purpose for him, for purely self-serving reasons, it then only gets worse.
I get that you feel rejected by the other guy. To save face for you, I would suggest this:
- tell the bf that you are leaving him. Do not mention the other guy because you are not leaving the bf for the other guy so he is irrelevant. You are leaving the bf because the situation between you is hopeless.
- send a message to the other guy thanking him profusely for being a catalyst of change. Tell him that you are leaving the bf and would be on your own. Tell him that you are NOT leaving the bf to be with him, but meeting him has prompted you to take a long hard look at your living arrangement and decide that you would feel much better and grow more as a person if you leave the current bf. Again, thank him, but explain that you are not leaving the bf for him and do not plan to have a relationship with him.
- make all the logistical arrangements for living alone.
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And then you might see very interesting developments on the parts of both guys. You might even have fun seeing how they would react. But fun or not, stand your own ground and either kick out the bf or move out or find a roommate - do something that would allow you to be single.
You are afraid of yourself - get closer to yourself ASAP to overcome this fear.