Hi everyone. I just made this profile, and I am now making my first post. I don't know what to say, or how to begin this. I just know that I want to say something anything.

It's midnight, where I am.

Half an hour ago, I went outside and sat on the steps of my deck, coffee in hand, a little box of cigarettes in my pocket. Sitting there, listening to Eliott Smith, I felt so tremendously empty and emotionally exhausted. I looked up at the clear, night sky. I felt so ****ing hopeless then. I felt so useless in the grand scope of existence. I could see the tree line behind my house. I heard the highway, now loud because the trees are naked and don't block the sound. And as soon as I looked up, I saw a shooting star.

And I started weeping.

Weeping feels like a good word to describe what happened. It felt like all the world's sorrow was piled in my heart. And there was nothing I could do, or say, or think that would ever matter or help anyone, let alone myself.

It's been five days since I last showered. Three days since I left the house. Or talked to anyone. I've spent three days alone in my dark room, light blocked out by heavy curtains. My family hates me. My mom won't talk to me. My brother just laughs at me. And I understand all of it. It hurts, but I understand it.

What I don't understand is what I'm feeling. I don't understand why I do this to myself. I don't understand why I have to feel this way. Why I'm exhausted. Why the thought of talking to another human being makes me feel so tired and anxious. Why I can't just be a productive person.

I called my friend tonight. And she did her best to try and make me feel better. She told me she loved me. She loved me so, so, so much. And all I could think was, why???

Logically, I know that depression is chemicals in my head screwing me up. Logically, I understand that if I get up and shower, I'll feel better. Logically, I know that it's not my fault.

But, I can't help feeling so sad and insignificant and so terribly alone. I wish I didn't have to feel this way. I wish I didn't have to feel like the only thing I'll ever be capable of is plodding through life constantly exhausted and lonely and sad.

I feel like the light at the end of my tunnel is so dim and so far away that I'll never make it. I'll never write a book or find happiness. I'll never do anything significant or meaningful. I'll never have a thought that's beautiful and eloquent. I'll never be capable of finding love or nurture.

I just don't think I can make it. I don't think I can do it at all. I feel so incredibly alone.



“I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.” -- What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, by Raymond Carver.