If you cannot afford therapy, call or better stop by your local mental health clinic and get schedules of peer support groups. Tell this story in peer support groups and hopefully this will provide enough of reality testing to get you out of that current cocoon of irrational regret. Your situation is very serious - you are not making any sense and you are not processing any of the feedback you have been receiving on this thread, much less generalizing from the feedback. It could also be depression that clouds your judgment and dulls your cognitive sense. If you go see a psychiatrist and possibly take antidepressants on a short-term basis, that might help. Just tell this whole thing to the psychiatrist in bullet points, especially about all the things that you count as your "mistakes". Hopefully it will be illuminating enough for the psychiatrist to get on your case as a prescriber. A psychiatrist might also recommend sliding scale therapy.