Recently I had a really manic episode that last a few days. I was really happy and as weird as it is for me I started hitting on this girl massively. (Normally don't do that) She seemed to enjoy it though so it's not like I annoyed anyone lol. But anyway, after a few days it all of a sudden changed and I got REALLY depressed out of no where. I started cutting myself, wanting to kill myself, I could hardly do anything, it was just really bad... Thought about going to the hospital but ended up not doing so because I really didn't want to be in the psychward yet again in the past 3 months. After a night of that, I started feeling a little better. But after a few days it came back again and I felt almost exactly the same way.

So I finally got to see my pdoc today. Just got back. The sad thing is I've tried every kind of mood stabilizer out there. They either don't work, or I get side effects so bad I have to stop. So she's giving me something that she's not even sure will work that well, she said this is "experimental" and isn't sure if it will work. I asked her what happens if this doesn't work. Then she said she's gonna recommend electroshock therapy. So this kind of really freaks me out. I mean if it comes to it (and I'm kind of expecting it) and it helps then that's good I guess... But the thought of that happening kind of freaks me out. I could use some support right now so I thought I'd post something :\

Thanks for listening.