thanks CANDC for reply,
I was at psychiatrist about a week ago, he said he can prescribe me anti depressants, but first i should get meds for thyroid and see how I react to it.. so I have only hydroxizine and cloranxen, but because of my fear of meds I take it only when I have so heavy panic attack I feel like dying.. As for intrusive thoughts about shatans etc he laugh when I told him about it .__.
Waiting for a free therapist is about year here so I still have to wait .__.
I know by myself that my religious stuff fears came probably from my stupid father which yelled at me that I'm antichrist, demon, etc when I didn't feel like going to church.. hearing stuff like this for whole life had to have some impact on my psyche, group therapy where girl with schizophrenia talked about this topics had too.. But even if I know it, my thoughts kind of started to live own life.. like today and it creeps me out, makes me doubt if I'm not really haunted or something :c 'what if it's true, what if something supernatural happened but i don't remember that?' questions like this are in my head right now and I have no one to talk to about it, doc laugh, my atheist friends says it's gibberish and laugh too, those who believe are avoiding talking about it :c so it make me doubt even more...
yeah I used to doing small things like this, but now when my father is in psycho aggressive mode I'm avoiding going out of my room.. because for him whatever I do, is a reason to yell at me... I want to get a job and move out but with heavy agoraphobia, anxiety, panic attack, and this freaking uncontrolled thoughts I can't go outside of my estate alone, so I'm stuck here...