I wrote her an email last night to get all my feelings out and tell her all that was bursting to gush out of my mind. Spent the whole evening on it, was definitely emotionally draining and made the night a hellish nightmare, but today, I feel so much more at ease. It's like this burden in my chest has been truly relieved. I know lots of people say sending a "closure" email or some sort is always a bad idea, but I think it worked for me, because like you said, I just had to remove this crappy control mentality. Well, it's only been day one anyway, so maybe I will feel like crap again some time later this week, but today, it was amazing. Sure, I was afraid she might not see it or ignore it, or worse, actually read it, or even worse, read it and reply - even though deep down I do know I want her to respond - but still, I think my mind was mostly at ease from her today.

Also, this month had been real crappy, what with spending every second thinking about her and I'm also way behind my work, and now all the deadlines are approaching. Normally at this point of time I would be freaking my mind out and planning my to-do list over and over again, but today, I decided to stop - stop with all that trying to make sure everything's all neat and orderly and planned. I dove head first into whatever work I had to catch up, and wow, I didn't even want to take a break from it. I wanted to keep going and going and the passion for doing my work was returning with each minute. Then again, it could just be the underlying stress of the deadlines approaching that finally got my body flying, but either way, winging it seems far better than ensuring everything was perfect.

I suppose getting rid of that wanting to control was the main deal breaker, along with finally pouring everything out. Today, after a long dark month - and year, well, not counting that golden month when me and her were talking - I think I'm feeling a lot better, despite this giant pile of work to catch up and she not being around. It's just day one, but for now, which I'm only starting to realize how the now is more important than anything else, I can whole-heartedly say I'm okay. Thank you, StbGuy.

Yeah, strange as it might seem, somehow, I can never really see my parents as actual human beings. For one, they seem to revolve all their lives around me and my siblings so much it's almost like they don't have a life of their own. Sure, my dad has his golfing and my mom has her dancing, but still... And also, I can't imagine my parents having any mental issues at all, like how everyone else has their own. In my mind they're the only pair of perfect beings in the world. Though I'm starting to see some flaws in them now, but overall, the perfect beings. I really do like that answer of yours - about our parents raising us to the best of their abilities and hence we can't see any "wrong". I never thought of it that way and just thought of it as bizarre, but now I see it.

I hope you will find the answer to that question one day