I'm so frustrated…there seems to be no end to my sexual problems.

So, come to find out, I'm too tight and my partner can't fully penetrate me which is why I haven't really felt anything during intercourse (this is the first person I've tried it with, by the way). For the first few weeks, it really hurt, but it doesn't seem to anymore. At least not me…it seems to be hurting him trying to get it in…

I've already read about vaginismus, but I don't think it's that. I'm not feeling pain like I did and he can insert 3 fingers in me without much of an issue and 2 fingers isn't a problem at all.

I also read that we're supposed to do foreplay for a long time, but I don't know…I either find it boring (as in I don't really feel anything) or uncomfortable as barely any touch kind of just burns for lack of a better word. In the beginning I had to keep telling him to be more and more gentle as he's apparently never experienced someone so "fragile" down there and seemed really surprised that he had to be so gentle. Now, it's trying to show him how to touch me indirectly…instead of directly touching the clitoris, I always make sure the labia (the furthest outside part…I think that's the right term) is between my hand and my clitoris when I touch myself. And possibly layers of clothing. I don't know how to explain any clearer what I do. There's a reason I don't touch myself directly…it tends to burn. In fact, I still hurt a little/have a burning sensation after sex. But I wouldn't consider it "pain" like with vaginismus because it's nothing I can't handle.

I just started NuvaRing, but I had been having issues before that, just in different ways. However, apparently the ring is always in the way…ugh.

Just overall, apparently my body is highly unresponsive and rarely consistent it what can work. It's taken a couple months just to develop a little sensitivity on my breasts even. Before, he could have been touching me and I wouldn't have even known had my eyes been closed. I could hardly feel his hands at all.

Before him, all the sexual experience I've had (which was only manual or oral stimulation unless just using the tip counts-which was not consensual!!!) was while I was drunk and was with men who were abusive or didn't understand "no". Or apparently in all my innocence, I indicated that I wanted sex unknowingly or I was flirting with them or whatever.

Apparently, before I had any sexual experience my attitudes and fears were consistent with someone who may have been harmed when they were younger. I don't remember and don't want to. All I have are snippets of memory of being terrified and hiding under a bed but I don't know why or if it is even a real memory. Maybe it was a very vivid dream that I still remember to this day? The thing is, I don't want to pursue this because if something DID happen, remembering it now will just make all of these problems so much worse. Hell, I couldn't even simply touch my partner starting out and it still takes a lot of concentration to figure out what to do with my hands all the time…I'm so preoccupied with that it's difficult to concentrate on anything else in sex, like how I'm feeling. But touching someone at all is completely foreign to me. Even in an affectionate and non-sexual way. And being touched has had more negative connotations than positive.

Apparently this was was really trying for my partner in the beginning…makes sense though…it's not often one will run into someone in their mid-20's that wouldn't know how to initiate a hug or a kiss. I still can't confidently initiate.

I just wish I hadn't set expectations for sex so high…I literally will never tell him no. I just feel so guilty since he has to deal with my anxiety and other mental health issues (bad enough apparently that one of his friends who has never met me was telling him to break up with me…) that he should get some sort of positive out of it. I've asked him before if we could just scale it back a bit sexually…I mean, he's not pressuring me per se, but he has a really high sex drive. That lasted all of a day until I gave in again. I mean, it's not like I REALLY don't want to…I mean, deep down I probably have just about as high of a sex drive and I want more than anything for everything to be normal and I'd be fine we the amount of sex we're having if wasn't having issues. And we don't spend time alone together very often so all in all, we're having less sex than average I bet…it's just that it's every time we're alone. It's just too much pressure…I've even done it when I haven't felt well just so as not to disappoint him because it had been so long. We already have to skip pretty the entire week of my period because he doesn't want to…well, get involved with that.

I just want to ask him if we can just keep the clothes on (or at least underwear on) and either just be physically together in a non-sexual way or masturbate together or something. But after I've been doing what he wants whenever he wants for the entire time we've been together, how do I ask for that and enforce it? And how do I lead it back to sex without things happening too fast, too soon again? And even if we do try intercourse again, he can't actually penetrate me…so intercourse has always been either really painful or I couldn't feel much and it's over in a few seconds (which is just fine if it hurts).

I don't know, I just want to be able to enjoy sex and not have to try and think really hard about it while I'm doing it. I know it's not him, because I would hate it more with anyone else. He's finally the first person I've enjoyed kissing…even though that seems to be fizzling out as well. I certainly couldn't imagine ever going through this nightmare again with another person though…not like I want to be with someone else. I think if we weren't meant to be, I'd never be with anyone else again, or at least not another guy. It's pretty much as miserable as I always knew it would be…I always knew masturbation would be so much better than it would ever be with another person. No one else is ever going to know or understand how to touch me like I do. No amount of explanation helps. I don't even think instructional videos would help because my body isn't normal and what's good for everyone else won't work for me.