I am starting full-time school on monday. It's going to be the first time in 17 years. I've taken the occasional night class over the years but they haven't been credit or degree courses. Just personal interest like languages and photography. There were no tests or exams and no presentations or assignments per se.
The thing is, I am terrified. I have been trying to shove the fear down and ignore it or just distract myself from it somehow by just being busy but today has been hard. Two days and I'm sitting in a classroom with 40 teenagers and yes, I do know that they are all young. I went to an 8 hour orientation day on thursday and met them all. The oldest one is 20. I met my first prof and he told me what his curriculum is and he said there will be plenty of presentations to make in front of the class.........BIG problem with that. Not to mention the exams will be two to three hours in length. The fear and anxiety is just ripping through me right now. I haven't slept in 3 nights and I'm breaking out in hives. I keep having flashes of my future as a burger flipper or public toilet cleaner or worse yet, as a successful I-don't-know-what and unable to handle the success. There have just been so many changes in my life over the past year and I think my sad little pseudo-brave exterior is finally cracking and bleeding. I don't know what to do. I want to withdraw from this program and hide under a rock. I don't know if I made the right decision and I'm actually starting to believe I made the wrong one. This is too big for me. I wish I wasn't so alone. I wish I had someone I could bounce ideas off of or just have a conversation with about all my fears. Someone who didn't have a stake in my success or failure. Someone who would just listen and give me ideas and support me. I need a hand to hold, a real one. I need someone to lean on. I am not capable of doing this alone but i am alone and it feels like I will be for the rest of my life. I don't have anyone who's opinion I can trust, no one who won't judge me or be biased. No one who just wants me to be happy with no strings attached. No real friends. It's been at least 17 years since I had a friend. Someone I could call up when I'm feeling scared or sad. Someone who calls me just to see how I'm doing and to ask me over for coffee and a chat. Someone who cares enough to be there for me in an equal way.
It's seems like it's been forever since I've been able to trust someone to just want to be there for me. No agenda. No ulterior motives. Just a friend. Do those exist anymore or am I kidding myself? I'm just so scared that i can't see straight.
I'm trying so hard to be brave and put up the good front but it's crumbling more and more each day I get closer to the classroom. I'm happy still but just so terrified that I made the wrong decision about this program and I have no one to talk to about my concerns.
Internet friends just don't seem to be interested. They send the obligatory email a couple of times a month but they are far away and don't have the ability to really BE there when i need them. It's not their fault. It's easy to stay distant from someone you know on the internet. It's easy to be consumed by your own life and not have time for net friends. Out of sight out of mind. I understand and I'm not judging, just observing. I just wish there were 'real' people in my life that I could count on. By 'real" I mean physically here, with me.
what a long-winded whine. I just needed to talk and I guess it got out of hand. Sorry. Hopefully with it all written out like this, I can let it go for the night and try to get some sleep.
Thanks to anyone who reads this whole thing.
I'd be grateful for any thoughts, ideas and/or suggestions.
goodnight all
tina
"How bad have you got it?"
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