Thank you, everyone. It's been almost two days since I wrote this, and things don't feel that much better. How do you all cope with just...everyday life? I mean, it's the little things. My room is a complete pigsty. I can barely take care of myself.

And what about responsibilities? Does you depression turn you into a liar? It used to be that I never lied. In high school, if I ever skipped school, I'd always come clean to my parents because I couldn't handle the guilt.

Now, lying is second nature. It's a defense mechanism. Sometimes I'll lie for no reason. No reason at all.

I just started a new job. Yesterday and today, I didn't go. What kind of person does that? I called yesterday and told my boss my mom was in the hospital. And I thought, I just need one more day. I thought I'd clean my room, get everything done, and begin fresh. None of that happened. I skipped work today too. I didn't even call. And when my boss called me and left a message, I called and told her my mom was in surgery.

I just needed another buffer day. My family doesn't know this. I left the house as if everything was normal.

Why do I lie so easily? Why does being despicable second nature now? I feel so down. I can't have a normal thought without thinking that everybody would just be better off without me.

I called a new doctor yesterday. I have an appointment this Friday at 3:30pm, which will cut into my work hours. If I was my boss, I wouldn't even want to deal with me. I don't know what I should do. I really need to see someone, but I'm so scared.

Will it ever get better?