Hi randman78, welcome to PC. Congradulations on the new job and that things at work are going well for you. You also sound like a very "considerate" person and that is such a good quality, something I personally admire in someone.

I think that your mother is having a hard time having her "own" life and with the loss of her husband is probably very lost. Then her lifestyle changed from living with your father and you being independent and her slowly accepting that, to as I said, losing her own foundation and security with her husband and the farm. It also sounds to me that your parents did love you and did their best to raise you and support you too. And you were challenged when it came to developing your own sense of self esteem and some guys go through high school and have a few years where they are somewhat gauky and girls "can" be mean about that sadly. That experience can serve to hold a guy back when it comes to having the courage to approach girls as you have discribed and that part of growing can be delayed, not your fault either. During all that you at least enjoyed having supportive caring parents which was fortunate for you to have as there are people that have challenges that don't have that kind of support which can make it harder to get past that challenge.

Right now your mother has not been able to move past her "I am a parent" stage in her life and I don't think she is really aware that she is making a big mistake with that either. A parent can get so used to being "the parent" for so many years that when a child does finally move out, it can be hard to adjust. This period even has a name to it too "empty nest syndrome". As I said, in your situation that was even more complicated when your father passed, your mother gave up her farm and no longer had a marriage and a life partner. Your moving in together was something she did know how to do though, it gave her something familiar that she had done for many years and the human brain likes that, we all feel comfort with going along in a "pattern" of "knowing".

Everyone knows that life changes are traumatic, that when people retire they can actually feel lost because they are not following a routine they have gotten used to following for so many years. It is also a known fact that if a person gradually prepares for this and develops a prepared routine of continued activity and sense of purpose, they fair much better when they do retire. So, with your mother, she has not taken on new friends and slowly developed activities that give her a sense of purpose, instead she is still "your mother" in her purpose.

What your mother needs is a purpose to her life other than being your mother. Your mother needs to learn how to be independent herself, make friends and have interests of her own. It could be that she never really did that but only learned how to be a wife, then a mother and that was "her" life. Unfortunately, your mother came from a generation where that was what many women did with their lives, be a mother and a wife and run the home. So your mother is merely doing "what she knows". And with your father's passing and her moving in with you? Well, you fit into two roles, the child and the partner, that is what her behavior patterns are showing in what you are discribing. So what your mother needs is to have help finding other things she can slowly include in her life, and that takes time. In a way she needs to have happen what you had happen where you joined a gym and began making friends and started learning how to do that in your life and actually liking it. You did deserve to have that girlfriend and begin to "enjoy" that experience, it was good for you to finally have that experience and slowly move forward and away from that guy that took more time to mature that girls picked on. Unfortunately, your mother felt her role/ lifestyle was threatened, and I don't think she really understands that about herself either. And you cannot expect yourself to take the place of both "partner and son" either, that is not healthy for you.

Your mother needs to learn how to do life another way that feels fulfilling, comfortable, and productive to her. What "can" be helpful is trying to get her involved with groups of people her own age somehow and that might have to happen with you taking her to places where she can slowly get introduced to these individuals and activities and get to slowly enjoy it, and that does take time, however, she can, like you did, slowly begin to enjoy it, and even want it more as you did yourself. It would be nice if she could even meet a potential new partner too as that is something "familiar" to her in her life. You just need to be creative in getting her into situations where she can reconnect with others her own age and get to where she begins to enjoy it. Maybe take some time to search some of these places where her age group connects and does things together. You may even talk to her doctor to see if he can suggest your mother join a group that gets seniors in workout programs so they improve with doing physical activities. I would suggest a therapist, however, your getting her to see a therapist could be a threat to her and put her on the defensive.

You simply cannot spend the rest of "your" life filling the role of her partner and child, it is not healthy for you. And she isn't going to like any potential partner or change that you want to partake in that will interupt with her doing what she knows how to do. And she will not realize this about herself either, unfortunately this does take place a lot with human beings. Human beings like doing patterns they are used to doing and often don't realize this can be unhealthy for others.