It doesn't sound abusive, but it does sound like you are really not feeling yourself. I've been there, and as trite as this may sound, things can and likely will turn around. I was horribly, acutely suicidal for the better part of 5 years....it took a lot of work, but I don't feel that way anymore, and I believe that the same is possible for you. Please go see your T. This truly sounds like a matter of life and death; money will get worked out later. Your life is more important.