So, lately, I've decided I don't want a relationship...at all. I'm just not ready for it, I suppose. The idea of entering another relationship makes me really nervous. Because I know I'll ruin it. And I don't want to do that, and I don't want things to be complicated...
I did what is possibly a very stupid thing, lately. You see, I wanted to get rid of all of my regrets; I thought it would help. So... There was a guy when I was much younger who I really cared about. In my honest opinion, even though we never dated, he was the first boy I ever loved. Then, I have another one; we broke-up. Then, another one. Now, a current one. Well, I decided it would be a good idea to get in touch and be friends with all of them. I already am in contact with two of them. So, I got a Facebook, just to find this one guy.
And it worked.
I am, now, in contact with every man I have ever loved. And I hung out with one of them - the one I never dated - yesterday. The day before yesterday, we talked on the phone for hours. Then, we hung out. And he was very nice and respectful of me. The problem is, I still love the last guy, even though I know that's pretty much not going to work out.
But, yesterday, the guy I got back in touch with asked if he could kiss me. I'm not going to lie; I kind of blew him off and was like "What?". And he laughed and didn't ask the question, again. He did tell me later that I never answered the question - could have been that one or when he asked what I was thinking. I'm pretty sure it was about the kissing. And I told him that, maybe, I'm not sure what my answer is, yet...
I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. Especially not when I love this other guy. But this guy I'm back to talking to, now, is so great. He's sweet and mature and I'd not talked to him in - at least - five years or so... But we're talking, now. In all fairness, he was a bit drunk. And I'd rather him want to kiss me when he's sober. Been there, done that. I'd say I wouldn't want to do it, again, but if my current love kissed me when he was drunk, again, I'd be all for it.
I know we were best friends, but we still have a lot of catching up to do. And he's great, really. I just don't know. I'm afraid of relationships. He knows about all of my issues, and he understands - or acts like he wants to, anyway.
Did I make a mistake, getting back in contact with him?