If I have said or implied that the men are all at fault in the things that happened,, I did not mean to. The reason I feel so much pain about these things, and that they undermine my confidence so, is that in a deep way, I think I must be very, very wrong in some way. In the case of P, the man who left last spring, he was a good and honorable man, so far as I knew. My mother cried when I told her he was gone; for months, she would comment, "I still can't believe P. would do something like this."

Midlife crisis. Another woman. Simply unable to cope with a woman who got sick and ruined our Master Plan. Who knows? In the end, it doesn't matter.

I had a "date" with a nice man, 14 years older than I, who I met through an internet personals. We get along great. But I got off on some tangent, started talking about P, and the anger in my voice was so obvious, I had to stop and say, I don't want this anger anymore. I want to be free of it.

I pray that God will remove it, and sometimes I think it is gone, that I moved on, and it comes spilling on again. I know there are people here coping with things that can cause lasting anger -- a child that died, loss of homes, and jobs, and mates, incurable illness, barely tolerable pain.

At the end of our time together, this courtly man said -- not at all in a critical way -- you've got to do something with that anger. Talk with your T about it. It's good that you see it's there and want to get rid of it -- you're halfway there. Don't be like my first wife who's still mad at me after 30 years.

Lordy, I don't want to be that way.

I feel ashamed that I am a woman who is shunned by her ex-mate, her ex-husband and her brother.

I feel ashamed of showing my anger.

I feel ashamed of even having to admit to these things, instead of keeping them locked very tightly in a box in my mind and heart.

Somebody, please, put me back on my pedestal, so I can resume being perfect again. ;-)