I am a 30-year old male from the Netherlands looking for answers to my questions. Hence I am here.

My user name is revealing? Am I apathetic? Or depressed?

My story:

I lost my job one year ago (end Dec 2013). This was a company restructure (my department went from 6 to 3 staff). For two months I stayed in my apartment (I was living in Paris at the moment) but then I decided to move on. Economy in France at the moment is really bad (unemployment at record levels) specially in my field. Then living in Paris is (rent-wise) over-expensive... not worth it.

So I went to Barcelona in march for 4 months to refresh my Spanish (and "do" something) and do an intensive course. It was very refreshing and good for my mind (learning a language). Great time.

Then in July (summertime) I decided to return to NL to stay at my parents'. I have some savings (about $20.000, not much) but I wanted to keep and focus on job hunting. And here I am!

I haven't found a job in this time. It should worry me but I just cope. I don't feel guilty or anything. My previous job was OK and prestigious, but I don't think it would make me really happy.

I have had interviews (after I returned in June) but jobs are very competitive. I also have been picky. I am 30, educated (I have a college and master grad) and I just need a job where I feel involved. My main drive is not really salary but something I like.

In September I had two interviews in the same week (last round) for two jobs I would love, where I was dinged and that was a turning point. One because they decided not to employ anyone (which is true at this day), and the second one because they decided to employ someone else with, honestly, a more suited CV to that position.

After September I have became very encloistered. I am now at my parents' which is a small town (I just train/fly for interviews). I rarely leave home; just don't feel the need now in winter. My friends leave in larger cities in NL or abroad. I have contact with some of them on a daily basis through email/facebook, and they understand my situation. Now it is winter and dark, so leaving home is more annoying. I don't have much contact with my parents either. It is sad to say, but I really ignore them to some extent. We live in a large house and they are retired but have a somehow active live outside (more than me).

What really worries me is that I have became somehow used and comfortable with this situation. I eat healthy and balanced, I sleep well, I go for a jogging, I look for jobs on Internet (some days with more enthusiasm that others) and I don't have "bad feelings". To some extent, I feel comfortable with myself (I had depression at 15-yo, so I know that terrible feeling).

But I can't continue with this situation forever! Life is something else. Am I just apathetic? Or is this some depression?

At the end of the day, I am just wondering whether this is a just a protective shield and I am "scared" to return to the competitive world of work life. But the longer I do that, the worst. Or maybe it is just a mid-life crisis and I need to find something else to take my life to.

Just out of curiosity, I made the Sanity Score and I got 91.

I would appreciate any input!