Ch,

I have observed this a lot by reading this board, almost every time I log on. The party that slept with another person outside of marriage offers the other party (you, in your case) what is dubbed "transparency". You are describing transparency when you say that he allows you to check his phone.

In what role does that transparency put you?

In the role of a school teacher. "Did you do your homework?"

At the same time you want the relationship as it was before the incident (you are incorrect in calling it "affair" since affairs have at least some duration - you can call it an incident of infidelity but not an affair).

So before the incident you did not play the role of a school teacher.

And the husband did not play the role of mischievous child who is trying to prove that he would not go into mischief again.

Before the incident you were lovers.

A strict school teacher who checks homework and reprimands and a child trying to prove that he would not be mischievous again (that is your H doing everything you ask for a year) cannot be lovers in the traditional sense of the word.

It is either or - mutually exclusive. That is why he does not open up to you about his life - it is no longer his role to do so. In his new role of a formerly mischievous child trying to prove his continuous innocence in the present time, he is not supposed to share his dreams and hardships with the teacher who micromanages him. It is just not his role. He has a new role and he plays it well. Until you tell him to stop playing this role, he won't change. Even your telling him not to play that role would be fairly ineffective. the only effective move is for you to stop playing the role of a stern teacher, and the rest will follow.

You said that you do not have any suspicions, so why haven't you told him so and said that you would no longer check his phone?

That he does not go to bars without you is rational, since the incident happened after a night at the bar.

That you still check his phone is not reasonable. This sentence is completely unreasonable: "I just feel like a piece of us is missing now and SHE has it."

How would she have that piece? you described the beginning of your relationship with this man very vividly and eloquently. In your words, " We fell in love fast and hard. The passion was immense".

OK, what do we know about her?
- that it was a drunken night
- that he did not have any trouble deleting her from social networks and staying out of touch.

OK, let us keep going. If a man feels immense passion for a woman, would he so easily drop her? Just like that?

So it was not immense passion or love hard and fast. Then why do you think that that woman has what you had? She does not. What happened was a very substantial shift in roles. That is why that piece is missing.

So I would keep only one of those new rules - no bar nights without you - because it is reasonable. If there is a problem that can be traced to a trigger - alcohol at a bar in this case - eliminating that trigger to prevent repeats of the problem is reasonable. Everything else that you have been doing needs to be gradually stopped. By that I mean:

- try to return to the pre-incident percentage of completed requests. You said that now, and for that whole year since the incident, he has been doing everything you ask. I got the impression that he is making a special effort. That before the incident he would sometimes do what you ask and sometimes wouldn't. This is how it is in run-of-the-mill couples where people behave normally without trying to be on their behavior because they feel guilty.

Obviously, you did not use project management software before the incident to record the tasks you asked him to complete, so you cannot whip up a graph of how his percentage of performance was before the incident, , but try going down the memory lane and determine, roughly, what the percentage was. Say, for the purposes of this exercise, that it was 80%. You won't tell him to complete 80% of the requests from now on, but you can, on your own, do him little favors. Say, you asked him to pick up dry cleaning but 10 minutes later you can say: "You know what, I have rearranged my schedule and I will pick up the dry cleaning. Why don't you just relax at home with the child who'll be so happy to see you come home early."

An even better example would not involve the child but involve something that you know he likes.

A small thoughtful and unexpected gift would be nice. Now is not the season for unexpected gifts, but maybe later. Playfulness, more laughter, etc. would be helpful. I do not know what words you used to refer to the incident when talking to him; as I said above, I would NOT NOT NOT call it an affair. Call it "incident" or "history".

As for the texts describing their sexual encounter, that is the most easily solvable problem since your child is not a reader yet. Print those texts in the largest font, make the letters bold, and plaster the printout sheets all over the walls of your bedroom. In a week you would not even care. When you are trying to forget those texts, you are only boosting how fresh the memory of them is in your mind. Trying to forget is counterproductive.

In a household with big children this method would not work, but in your household you do not have any need to protect the child from knowing too much.

You can print the texts in different colors on different days, mix them up, get creative. You can also later peel the printouts off the walls, place them in your biggest metal or glass bowl, take it outside and... use a lighted match. I recommend designating a bowl to serve as an urn for painful memories because you would not want to have several bowls with blackened marks that burned paper might leave.

I wish you luck and recommend that you move swiftly, without prolonging the agony.