Thank god I think my T is over her kick of sitting there and staring at me saying nothing. when we got to her office she sat down and asked me how my thanksgiving was . I told her that I hung out with my husband and we cooked dinner and so on .that it was relaxing . that I no longer did the family thing . her response was that was a good thing considering my family . It took almost everything I had but I asked her if she was angry and frustrated with me last week. that I felt she was and couldn't figure out what I did. she said she was not and wanted to know if I felt this way when she was talking to me about my son. we talked about my son and how she wants me to know that what he is going through is normal. she is trying to help me in how to deal with some of the stuff he is throwing at me . my son has always been an easy boy to deal with .im not finding it easy to deal with the stuff he is throwing at me. my T has been unexpectedly helpful with keeping me realistic with this. but in the end this was not what I was meaning when I asked if she was angry at me. I finely just came out with asking her more directly if she gets angry at me when I talk to her about the mother. she told me absolutely not .she asked me if I have been feeling like she has . I told her that I was totally confused and couldn't figure it out but have tried to figure it out . she said that she has never been mad at me . I actually told her that she seemed so so angry at me when I told her about the mother leaving me outside on the porch when I cried to much. she said that she was angry that I was treated that way and that she sees the mother as being abusive. at least this time she seemed calm and not angry at all. she said that I was completely detached from that baby. I told her that I don't even remember what it felt like .that it was my grandmother that told me how the mother would do this. she said that she knew this but that these things still affected me .and that eventually I was going to need to talk about it and deal with it . she said that she knows it will be painful and hard for me .she also said again that she will hold that for me until i am ready to do this for myself. I don't under stand what she means by this. that she will no longer push me to talk about this stuff, or that she will no longer show me that she is angry about what went on . I don't know and couldn't ask her . she says that I still hold onto the fact that at some point the mother will become the mother that I always wanted . that I keep protecting her and continue to come up with reasons she treated me the way she did when in reality there was no excuse. I guess that is the issue between us . I know what I was like as a child and she doesn't care . I was horrible . I wish she could help me deal with the fact that I was horrible and not easy to deal with and to be ok with that. i want to tell her everything that went on as I was growing up but the thought terrifies me. so many risks . especially if she gets angry at such a minor issue as the mother putting me on the porch because I was crying to long. if that angers her what would she feel at the rest of my story. how do T sit there all day and listen to such horrible things ? how do they not become cynical ?