You don't talk about looking for help in the right place.
When I have a toothage, I go to the dentist.
It's clear that you are feeling now hopeless. Can you ask your family help with this? I would go to a psychiatrist just now.

I passed some depressions before and I know how desperated you can be. Let us. I wouldn't neither had felt like to express it in a forum.
Can you talk to your mum or dad.
I know you don't want to worry them but you have to find a say out.
There is a great difference between a person who is being treat to another who isn't.

You say everything in your life is a failure. But, this hasn't to be forever.
I was in the hell and now I'm in heaven.
The problem with avoidants is that we sometimes expect changes come on their own, and that's not happen. If you have a psychological problem you have to fight. In order to get the strenght you have to overcome your depression.

It's not bad. You can rant as much as you need, here. When you have had enough look for help.

Good luck, honey!