When I was younger I was the kind of person who always did what she wanted to. I never thought of the consequences of behaving like that. As a child I went through so much pain, so much abuse, that I decided to live my life as fast as I could. A few years ago, I started hitting myself. I thought I deserved to be punished, but I never really understood why, until now. Everyday I struggle with the memories of what I've done. They come without invitation. They come at the least expected time. I also believe that there is no hope for me, I fear that my future won't be better than my present. And my present really sucks. I believe that I have misled my life so that today I'm not where I was supposed to be, where I dreamed to be.

It's been months regretting every wrong that I've made, every bad decision, every step out of the way. I try to justify myself by thinking that I have a lot of issues, but then I have always had an option, so in the end it was always my choice. I have felt this way before, but I never fell so low because of what I felt about myself. It was always because my family discovered what I did and they told me it was not right. Now I'm confronted with myself, my failed dreams, my conscience, my guilt. This time it's all about me. So I want to think there is still hope, I want to believe that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. I'm looking for advice on how I could use this pain and do much guilt to be a better person.

Therapy has not worked so far, for they insist in making me understand the reasons why I did so many things. I have found so many reasons, that now I am completely confused. I believe thinking again and again about what I did will only drive me drazy. I am determined not to do it again. So I also believe that I need to use this feelings to be a better person. Just that. Thanks.