Hello agatha9: You & I have much in common. I have not written about this here on PC. But years ago, I did horrendous things that have scarred innocent people for life. In a right-thinking society what I did should probably be illegal. But in our society it is not. In fact it is common. I hate myself for it. My only consolation is that I don't believe in god or any kind of life after death. I believe human beings are just another variety of animal that happened to evolve on earth & that when you're dead, you're dead. So, from that perspective, nothing really matters, except to the persons involved while they exist.

I am also haunted by my past. Fortunately I am aging now. And my memories are slowly losing their intensity. Plus, I don't have that much of a future to worry about. I also try to justify my deeds, from time-to-time, by telling myself I was (& still am) mentally ill. I didn't realize it at the time, & there was precious little help available back then anyway. But still, as you wrote, I had choices & I made all the wrong ones. And as a result I have devolved into someone I would never have imagined myself to be. But I am.

I have also tried therapy. It simply has not been beneficial. And none of the therapists I've ever seen were worth the bother from my perspective. What comfort I have been able to find, I have found in the writings of the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. Basically what Pema teaches is a centuries-old Tibetan Buddhist practice called: "Lojong". And the essence of these teachings involves learning to be able to "sit" with one's pain... to be able to face it, accept it compassionately & with lovingkindness, & to be able to maintain one's equanimity. This is what I try to do.

From the perspective of the Lojong teachings it is important not to try to ignore difficult emotions, or to stuff them back down, or even to explain them away. It is simply important to learn to accept them, even welcome them, compassionately. They may appear like horrible-looking, twisted & deformed little trolls. But if one can accept them with compassion & lovingkindness, then over time they cease to look so frightening. And also, as one comes to accept these emotionally-charged memories & feelings, one can come to realize that all people experience similar struggles. And, as a result, one's compassion & lovingkindness for all humanity can blossom. It is not unlike the lotus. It's roots grow in the mud. But on the surface of the water, it blooms with great beauty. My very best wishes to you...