Hi everyone,

First post here. I appreciate all who are taking a read because my post is super long. I hope to find someone going through something similar here and hope my experience can be of some help to someone else because the people who have had the courage to step forward on these forums have really helped me reevaluate things in my life and work towards making necessary changes. I read forums all the time and have so for years. I'm guessing that's the of most people who overanalyze things as well, so three cheers for solidarity, no? Really, a big thanks to ya'll and I'm looking forward to what you have to say.

I have a growing level of concern with myself because I'm only realizing now how dissatisfying my life has been for such a long time and the alarming direction its taking. I'm 22 years old. I graduated from college in May from what many would consider to be a very good academic school. And my performance at that school indicates I performed at a high level academically. I work part time at a job in my field at a company that many people "WOW" at when I tell them where I work. I have "worked hard" my whole life. I played tennis growing up and love sports. But my relationships, other than a few close ones and a supporting family (THANK GOODNESS for those), and my understanding of who I am and what I really want and need out of life, are totally nil at this point.Excuse my extreme language, but that's how I'm feeling about the whole situation.

I first realized how dissatisfying my relationships were after middle school. I was leaving public schools to go to a private high school, and the last day when I left, I realized I was going home to basically no one. I talked to a few middle school friends in the months following our graduation, but I lost touch with them in the middle of my freshman year and never really spoke to them again. They were my best friends growing up too.

This continued in high school. By the time I graduated, the few close friends I had kind of disappeared after the first year of college. Not unusual and its a part of growing up, but things still didn't feel right and I was wondering why this was happening. Now I graduated college, same thing. I feel my friends distancing themselves. And this should seem normal, but other factors play in that it really isn't. And I know I'm not a victim in this, it's very much my own doing.

Here's why I think this is happening:

Growing up, I thought I was going to play division 1 college tennis, or at least that's what I told myself. So, I stopped seeing friends and worked all the time. I mean every single day after school, by myself, on my skills. I never really trusted my own abilities and always took lessons and stuff, so by the time I'd get out on the court I'd have that deer in the headlights look. Totally froze, complete performance anxiety, and I ended up getting cut from the varsity team by my junior year of high school. I was the best player in my town when I was 12/13 and I didn't just plateau, I just overanalyzed so much that I couldn't get out of my own way on the court.

But the more alarming thing about this is when I did see my friends, I never was myself. I've had trouble being myself my whole life and it's very much reflected in my relationships. I'm very nice, kind, humorous, and I have a lot of surface level friends. People like my, but are indifferent to my company. So when my friends were doing what they wanted, like playing video games, playing wiffle ball after school, etc., I was "working hard" to be "better" than my "lazy" friends. You know, those people who cared about me and wanted me to be friends with them? So, eventually they left, and I continued on with my "I'm better than you guys anyways" attitude...

And I would go to Church a lot to reinforce this. Not Church's fault, it was my own thinking. I would go to Church and pray every night for two reasons: 1) To feel better about myself when I wasn't getting invited to parties or other events with my popular friends (and I did hang out with a lot popular people at one time) and 2) to relieve the anxiety I felt when I would actually hang out with them and be so nervous about being myself, that I just stopped being myself (I would think: "I'm better than these guys anyways, I work so hard" while I sat in the corner not saying a word while they were making jokes and trying to include me while also trying to talk to girls and work on their social skills/"game". It's unfortunate too because I think Church is very valuable and great for a lot of people and I admire those with a spiritual connection, but it wasn't good for me and my way of thinking.

So, it wasn't until I was 16 and I got cut from tennis, after "working harder" than everyone, that I realized how screwed up my priorities were. And honestly, getting cut was the best thing for me because it was so relieving to finally not have to worry about trying to be the best and feel like I had to keep working. So I started doing other things like joining clubs and cross country my senior year and it was great. And I met people who started to accept me for who I was! But then I started to get rigid about academics once college came and I didn't really keep in touch with them.

But college was kind of the same story: I worked really hard at school, did pretty well, but didn't receive any academic awards that I was capable of earning. And I was. By no means do I intend to brag, but I am very smart and very capable of thriving academically. I did well, made honors, but didn't do as well as I could have. Kind of like tennis. And I noticed similar themes come through when I was in charge of managing a group of students for an econ society project. I wanted things done my way and while I never verbally imposed that or abused anyone by any means, I had some perfectionist tendencies that really annoyed people. So, kind of like my friends, my team just lost respect for me and kind of pitied the fact I wasn't more flexible and wouldn't completely trust them to do their own thing. I feel like a gerbil on a wheel a lot of the time, and I become rigid in my thinking.

I still have a few close friends I keep in touch with, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before their patience runs thin with me telling them "nah dude, can't hang this weekend, gotta go to work" or "yeah man, we'll figure something out," and not following through on plans because I feel like I don't have time for them because I have to "get back to work on things."

So I guess this all leads to what's happened recently. I had my first girlfriend this summer. I always struggled with girls (afraid to ask them out, afraid to talk to them, etc.), I think primarily because I didn't feel like I had a leg to stand on because I had so much anxiety and couldn't be myself around my friends (even when I told myself all the time, "Dude, just be yourself!!!"). So how would I be myself around girls, especially ones I liked? Answer: I wasn't. I just didn't talk to them in high school, and that was easy because I went to an all guys school and didn't need to.

But college came around and while these rigid habits generally stayed with me in my school work, I started to get a little more in touch with myself, admitted it's not OK to work all the time and to spend time with friends and that it's OK for me to talk, like, and approach girls. I matured some. So I started to, but never had a girlfriend because I never asked any girls out. But I drunkenly hooked up with a few, lost my virginity, but never got close with anyone. Then I met a couple girls online this summer and dated one longer than the other (first time I dated) and things were going well, but I started to get clingy at times. And then I'd pull back, and she'd show interest again and the pattern continued. It was a very delicate push pull thing I was doing. But once we became official (which I requested), everything changed. I started to text her all the time because I thought, "That's what couples do" and if I didn't hear from her I'd get extreme anxiety and I'd think that she didn't really care about me. I stopped acting like myself, forgot who I was, became obsessed with her life, and when we broke up I felt like she didn't care about me. Truth is she did, a lot actually, but I refused to see that. And it ended up I pushed her really far away (I don't think she felt threatened or scared because I never expressed anger towards her and am not a physical or demanding person by any means, I'm very kind and keep my cool always, but my clinginess made her incredibly uncomfortable and disinterested). I was so afraid something bad would happen or another guy would make moves on her, hook up while drunk, etc. that I couldn't handle the anxiety. So I broke up with her. And we had the potential for a great relationship, or at least some sort of relationship, but sadly I never really let things get off the ground.

Now to conclude the novel I just wrote for you all, here's my situation: My ex and I do not keep in touch and I have obsessive thoughts about our relationship at times (which I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for), I don't keep in much contact with a lot of my college buddies because even though I made more of an effort to hang with them than I did in middle/high school, my work still came ahead of them and I think they got tired of that, and I'm working at a job I'm overqualified for after spending so much time working on school work (i.e. I'd take twice as long to write a paper as my friends just because I thought it was right to do so).

Basically, I feel like I'm a bit of perfectionist and I've distanced myself from everyone and made excuses like I'm better than them all to justify why I was distancing myself. And when I did get close to them (my gf, my high school friends) I would either forget who I was and shut down and stop talking or act so clingy that they'd be indifferent towards me being there. My ex-gf still likes me as a person, but she doesn't want to date me anymore and I think I lost some of her respect. I think I lost the respect of my friends too because I was never myself around them, I was just some quiet, kinda nobody type guy. And while I want to say I miss my friends and ex-gf, deep down I can't really say I do as awful as that sounds. It's not because they aren't great people. They're actually wonderful, but I wasn't close enough to them to genuinely miss them and I didn't give them enough of myself for them to miss me too. I want to cry, be angry, be sad, etc., but I just feel like a gas tank on empty when trying to express these emotions. They're just not there. It's like... I'm emotionally unavailable, but not because I don't want to be, if that makes sense?

Now, I share with you this long post and it's pretty sad overall. I don't intend have someone play the violin and cry me a river and I don't want to just spill this baggage all out online. And my therapist bears the brunt of this anyways (unfortunately for her...), I don't want to seem like the victim here but I'm very confused about how to be myself and get to finally establishing some healthy relationships in my life and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I want to hear what people have to say if they've gone through something similar and what steps they've taken to helping themselves. I'm going to see a psychiatrist this week and have done therapy for the last couple of months (and a year of therapy two years ago), and I think I could have some sort of personality disorder (OCPD) because a lot of the symptoms resonate with how I'm feeling. I've tried joining clubs (I joined a local book club that meets twice a week and now take cooking classes), I try to keep myself busy while I look for a new job that's full time and more fits my skill set, and I am very open about this with my therapist and my mom who is almost inhumanly supportive. I don't know how she does it.

I'm not depressed or sad (yet), but just extremely frustrated with myself and the position I've put myself in and feel it could lead to depression down the road if I don't address this at this point in my life. I always told myself "I just never had the courage to be myself" and "I'm weak because I don't let myself be vulnerable around others" and I think that's true to a degree because I've found as I've matured that I've learned to make myself more vulnerable and to be myself more than before. But I still struggle so much to be myself and to let myself get hurt and I guess just be human more than anything else, that I really don't feel like I have a leg to stand on and I don't know what to do. Could this be a personality disorder? Am I just a perfectionist that needs some CBT to get over a few fears of being wrong?

I know it's not the end of the world. We're all in this together and in some ways it's a beautiful struggle towards self discovery. But I'm tired of the self-inflicted frustration and think I'm not going to be as optimistic later in life if this sort of pattern continues. Thoughts? Hope to hear some of your success stories with your anxiety whether it's in romance or your personality or something else, and especially if you've been through something similar to me!