EagleNebula - I am not familiar with what happens when women do hard drugs, but boy have I seen the effects of alcoholism on women.

It does very much show on the face. Liver problems manifest themselves in yellowish skin. There is that particular type of under eye circles that cries "alcoholism" and is different from both genetic under eye circles and the effects of occasional sleep deprivation.

I am thus led to believe that your sister's looking 10 years older is evidence of her own use and abuse of drugs. Yes, a person in bad relationship looks tired and unhappy and that can "add" a few years, but not 10. So I would think that her looking 10 years older than she is is a sign of drug abuse, without drug tests.

I really like how several people have suggested meeting with your sister in public places. Public places, such as cafes or stores, are a "neutral territory" for the two of you - they are not your turf or her boyfriend's turf. Also, during this time of the year, public places are full of people, chatter, clutter, festive noises - those things - and that would make them conducive to casual conversations. Leave that big elephant in the room at home and go out!

Another idea, by way of coming up with conversation topics that altogether avoid her boyfriend, is to share childhood memories and reflect on them. I see that now you are in Detroit. If your sister and you grew up in Detroit, maybe you can reminisce on the winter fun you had (last time I was in Detroit on a connecting flight, the aircraft had to be de-iced IN APRIL, so I assume that Detroit's winters provide enough snow ). Or you can share memories of your dad (since you only mentioned your 81 year old mom, I take it that your dad has passed away). Or remember something funny from school years.

Let me give you an example of how I would do it in a similar situation. I have an older cousin. I am an only child. She is 7 years older than me. We spent summers together with our grandparents. My now ex H was not only abusive towards me, but did horrible things against my relatives and I then defended him (see above for the warning that your sis might defend her bf if you start saying bad things about him - that rang so true for me), so it was hard for me to re-establish the relationship with my cousin after I finally broke away from the abuse. So to melt the ice, I tapped into childhood memories. E.g. she taught me to read. And I did a prank by inserting pennies into an opening on the side of her toy sewing machine when she was not looking. Nonsense, but remembering those things has been (it is an ongoing process) good in bringing us back together. I have not seen her yet since she lives on the East Coast, but eventually when I go over there, I plan to talk about her current life, the good things in my current life, and those shared moments from our childhoods. I plan to avoid unpleasant conversations.

Your situation is much harder since there is ongoing abuse of drugs, but still remembering stories from your growing up together might very well provide that "glue" that your relationship now needs.

Plus, when you tap into shared childhood memories, you reinforce that boyfriends come and go but sisterhood stays with you.