Hi Kingofpain, welcome to pc. First, I don't think you are a bad person or a "waste of space". In my mind it seems that you have not found your calling yet. An emotionally difficult childhood past can haunt us. It's a matter of overcoming bad memories.

Have you seen a therapist or psych doc? If not, this might be something helpful.

You mentioned that you are a writer. Have you ever tried to get anything you have written published?

You get plenty of love and hugs from me.