I think for me they're the same thing. If I let myself attach, I wouldn't be able to stop...I'm also really scared that if I "allowed" this attachment to happen, then I would just start telling her really sad stuff to get her to feel sorry for me (this happened with past Ts) and it would be so gratifying that I would never want to get around to the real work. It's like the hotline thing - I get a real emotional kick out of other people caring for me.

Part of me feels like if I ever started crying in front of T, it would feel so good I would never want to stop. But at the same time, I think about things like hugs...part of me wants one, but part of me is also like, if T ever tried to hug me, my first instinct would be to push her away because I would be so uncomfortable and I would just hate it. My fantasy is a little kid fantasy that will just never happen. It can't. I'm a grownup up now, not a five year old who can just crawl into someone's lap and be rocked to sleep. Also, I am super disgusted with that five year old part of myself. It's pathetic. T says I should have compassion for it...but how can I have compassion for the one part of me that drives everyone else away?