My session on Tuesday raised more questions than answers! I brought up our email exchange about love, and she asked how it made me feel. I said "scared", but couldn't exactly explain why. I said that I spontaneously wrote " I love you " in my email and asked if she did it that way, or did she think about it. She said she just felt it, so wrote it! I said that it was so unexpected and she said "maybe she's changing too. She said she's human, and a person too. But she did say it's like affection, love. She's not sure what love is. She's said that before!

When she held my hand, my other hand was fidgeting so she commented on it. Asked if I knew why I was doing that. I said something about distracting myself from feelings. Then I said I'm afraid and feel ashamed about the " love stuff." I'm not used to people sending love to me. We talked about my not saying I love you to my parents and not knowing if they said it to me. I felt loved but the words weren't used.

I don't know why I feel so afraid, and so ashamed. I was okay when I closed my eyes and was mindful of T's hand feeling so safe. I said "things are okay, everything is all right" when I'm holding your hand. She makes me feel safe. But I feel triggered by the shame and fear, though I'm okay now. I don't know what's going on with me.