Hi, all. I guess this can go in this section of the site but I just wish I knew why I do the things I do, and why things are the way they are.
My whole life has been hard.
From childhood to now, I've had issues with the way I look, and how I'm perceived by others.

I've had issues with idealizations towards favorite teachers, favorite cousins and other ppl I thought were friends.

Enter into my 20s, and
had crushes on two different online dudes.
One stopped communication, the other I cut off, cuz he insulted something pertaining to me...

Enter in my mid 20s,...

for 3 years, I thought I was in love with yet another guy, but he turned out to be a bigger jerk than the guy I cut contact with (this guy played favoritism amongst online female friends and fans and treated one associate like crap sometimes and pretended to be, and still is, something he isn't) he wasn't/isn't a good person at all.

Basically, many online friends have come and gone, leaving me wondering what I did to deserve abandonment.

I feel like I don't have much of a purpose on this planet. I often wish I weren't born.

Worse of all, I feel like I'll never get better without meds because I tend to do things on impulse and I wish I knew why!?

And I feel meds would probably make things worse anyway and that the natural way of taking care of my feelings wont last.

I don't have much self worth/esteem and tend to look outside for acceptance and love, and if that's botched or taken away, I feel worthless.

I just feel like giving up on life, because it seems like I'll keep screwing up and when I'm not and actually doing right, I'll keep messing up.