Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I think you are very clearheaded. I agree with how you set your goals and support you in your disagreeing with the therapy that involved thinking about the reasons too much.
Do note that you are a mortal, though.
What it means is that you will not live forever.
Your lifespan is limited.
So you need to manage your life keeping in mind that it is finite.
So if you spent months regretting every wrong and emerged from that period of regrets with that solid determination to use those feelings to become a better person, FANTASTIC! time well used.
But if you continue immersing yourself in unproductive regret for much longer, that would not be fantastic - that would be wasting that precious time that is allotted to us only once.
You did verbalize the desire to self-punish, which is very seriously counter-productive. So I think that if you take away the plan to convert those feelings into personal betterment while dropping the self-punishing impulses altogether, then you will have made a clean break and can push the restart button on your life.
Your therapist, instead of insisting on yet more analysis of motivation of past actions, can spend the time analyzing the motivation to self-punish and working towards reducing if not eliminating it altogether.
|
Yes, Hamster-Bamster, I called a psych hotline because I dropped therapy, and they told me that I seemed to know exactly what I'm going throuhg. A friend told me exactly the same. What I don't know is what to make out of it. But today I decided that I will stop thinking about past traumas and just focus on what I can change. The only things I can control are my mind and my actions, so I realized that I don't want to accept that I always do what I want, that I have been driven by impulses and whims. I have to face myself as I really am, as disgusting as I find myself being that way.
I have played the perfect girl for too long, I have kept secrets so well, that today I can't keep a single thing to myself. But that also makes me think twice of what I will do and the consequences of my decisions. And in the end, all I have to do is, first, knowing that I really am a very impulsive person, then accepting that I am like that and finally take action to take control over myself.
I never wanted to believe that I am a bad person. I refuse to see myself that way. But being so impulsive just means that I need to work on controlling myself better. I am a very very caring friend, I might be one of the most loyal persons my friends and family know, I am very supportive, but when I want something, I don't care about anything or anyone, I just do it or get it. I always took the easy way. And for me, that is doing what I want. And note that I'm not saying what I believe, but what I want. I need to stop it.
About self-harm... I stopped about four years ago. I seeked a therapist voluntarily for the first time in my life, becaused I knew why I was doing all that stuff. I understood then that I wanted to punish myself. And I realized I was punishing my whole family too, most important my dog who I loved so much. So I decided to look for help to give him a good life during his last years. I nailed it. Now, sometimes I feel like I want to die because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I have to fight, I know I have to be reborn from the ashes. I feel no need to hurt myself again. Therapy worked and it took just a few sessions.
Thank you for your support. Your words mean a lot to me. And yes, I know life goes faster than we notice and I can't waste a lot of time in thinking about all this stuff. And that's why I'm doing everything I can to be back on the road again.