The grownup me is really not an affectionate person and dislikes hugs, but the little kid me craves them. When people who are not T try to hug me, it usually makes me tense up (except close family). And other people just find the five year old in me really annoying and pathetic, even people who say they understand and can take it, they really can't. The last person who I was really, truly open and vulnerable with told me she loved me (even the little kid me) and that it was okay to just cry in front of her and she would just hold me...she didn't mean it.

She told me it was okay, and then went and started complaining to other people about what a baby I was and how I was taking advantage of her. After that experience, I don't think I will ever be able to be vulnerable with someone ever again...I know I should tell T about the attachment I'm feeling to her, but I just can't make the words come out. And she can't tell otherwise, I know because we've talked about it...she doesn't find me particularly transparent.