I am so very sorry for you! I wish you did not have to deal with this kind of devastating experience. I can relate to what you are going through, because I have lost a lot of friends due to my MI. I have at times blamed myself for it, but it is just so unproductive to do that. I have managed to make peace with the fact that my illness sometimes will spin me out of control. And that I cannot expect others to deal with me at those times. Now I have a few close friends, but it has been a journey for both them and me to get back to our friendships. ( well, one of them stood by me and never left my side, and I am so grateful and so lucky for that. I can honestly say that he is that reason I am still here today.) But I can relate to that kind of loneliness you are going through. You have taken responsibility for what happened, by apologizing and seeking help. Well done. Be proud of yourself for that! A lot of people with BP really struggle with friendships. It can be a lonely excistence at times. All I can say is that you are not alone in going through what you do right now. Never alone. Remember that!