((randman78)),

It's nice to know you are willing to have an "open mind", I was not sure if you would respond in this thread tbh. I posted to you about "why" your mother may be behaving this way so you can understand it better rather than just deem her "evil or bad or even label her as narcissist". I "am" a mother of a daughter that is 30, so I have had to face the cross roads of learning to "let go". I raised my daughter to be "independent" and I have not told her who to love, I know she has to find her way to figuring that out. The only time I discuss it is if she comes to me when something doesn't work out well tbh.
However, I have heard about other mothers who are more controlling through my daughter's friends and I do know there are mothers who don't realize they need to "step back" and give their child room to discover things on their own. I do remember it was hard to adjust to my daughter moving out and wanting to be independent. I was just so used to "being in that mother role" tbh. However, I never felt it was right to "just" visit her in her place or go through her mail or feel it was ok for me to explore her "space" or tell her who to date or who not to date.

I think that you can find ways to break away from your mother without deciding she is a bad person. You may have to be the one that is "firm" about her needing to respect your boundaries. Maybe there is a book about that you can give her too. There must be a book out there that helps mothers understand how to "let go" in healthy ways.

As far as the cemetary plot is concerned, I don't think her buying a plot for you and only you is saying she doesn't feel you will find a woman and have your own family. I think she is just thinking about you always having a place with her and your father.

Keep in mind that you have "allowed" her to be in your space and even mentioned it did not bother you because "you had nothing to hide". Well, now you have to slowly create boundaries and that is going to take time. Remember, you have allowed her to be in your space for 36 years, that is a long time. Old habits die hard and your mother is going to have to "learn" to let go of these old habits.

It is good to hear that you have gone back to the gym, even been honest with this ex gf about your challenges. And it could be that she was opening the door when she talked about having to go to that Christmas Party alone. I don't think it is bad to offer to go with her either.

OE