Thank you Zen ... I had a post, posted but everything froze and it didn't go through - so I'll try again ....

I agree with you - he IS dead but in my mind he seems so alive. But, just as you say, only if I let him be! I will not let him have power over me but I can't help but remember precious things lost - like my 16th birthday ***********TRIGGER********** when he punched me in my face, knocked me out but before I went down, he laughed ... I will never forget that laughter. When I came to, I took my pillow, my dog and a 2L coke and hit the road - I had to leave my Mom - I just had to and I still feel guilty!