I feel really bad now. I see no perspectives for my life.
I live in Ukraine. I’m in my middle twenties and I never had a girlfriend.
When I came to school I was a kind of quiet and weak. I was not able protect myself. And I was a nerd, I had the best grades in my class. But I don’t think about myself as about a super smart person (that’s just the others had worse grades).
Because I was strange and weak many other students used to harm me. I was beaten almost every day (especially at the high school). They laughed on me, many of them. Maybe some girls used to like me.. But I never dated anyone till now. When I was at school.. you know.. possibly also because of my parents they never take this things seriously and make fun of the relationship between man and woman. I talked to them rarely about relationship with girls. I had one good friend at school but I don’t see him anymore.
When I came to school.. my parents they cared mostly about the grades. Like my grades that were everything they asked about… And they cared about that I have to spend time doing homework (I don’t even sure why).
When I left school I promised myself that I will not be seeing my schoolmates for 5 years. And I kept that promise (if I exclude occasionally meetings). The first time I saw them intentionally on a reunion was like 6- 7 years after graduating.
After school I moved to another city and started studying at the university. I didn’t have real friends there. I didn’t study well there. On one hand, I’m not so smart possibly. And on the other we had a lot of stupid subjects I didn’t need (that’s possibly bad specific of education in my country).
Anyway, I had a pretty good job now (the salary is much better than average here like in the highest 4-10% possibly). I still live with parents.. I don’t know exactly why I don’t leave them. What I’m pretty sure about is that they will shout a lot if I tell them that I want to move.
And they won’t like it. I should also say that I did some bad things and I should live with it.
Another thing is that I don’t really even want to leave my house. I don’t really like many people around me.. Like today the taxi driver was swearing.. Like I hate that idiot who parked the car in a wrong way. Taxi drivers are always swearing. Many people here do. Men.. Including my father. And that’s not swearing like a joke.. it’s really about aggression.
I clearly remember some time ago I took a bus. And a guy with a big bag come into through the rare door. In the bus you should pay to the driver. And he asked me to bring the cash to the driver instead of him. I refused and he called me like ****er in presence of all passengers because of it. I told him something back. But no one else said anything. People are also swearing to the drivers in buses when they miss their stop, for example. Men and women. And drivers are swearing back. I don’t really like it.
And all that stuff with the war. People in the internet.. Like forums, comments on youtube videos. Russians and Ukrainians they told a lot of bad words about each other (like hate.. all the Russians/Ukrainians are ****e*s because of blah blah blah.) Every day.
That’s why I don’t wanna see anybody. And now I feel like many people want to use me or my money. I don’t trust them. I’ve been to the USA. The people seem to be better there (I’m not sure about).
And many people here on forums. They tell like it’s humiliating if you in middle twenties and you never had a girlfriend.
I feel like many people don’t like me and don’t care about me. Or want to use me somehow.
I feel really bad and think about suicide often. Probably I haven’t done this because of religious grounds and because of I’m afraid. I’d be grateful if someone could help me.