I'm new to this great forum, and really impressed by the prompt and varied feedback.

I have read with interest all the replies, and I am trying to figure out what sounds the closest to my situation.
I'm really in the dark, so it is extremely difficult to establish what are my daughters feelings without having the opportunity to listen to her.
The situation has recently become even more complex. My younger children are convinced that mom only loves oldest D because she doesn’t visit dad, and that mom spends much individual time with her when they are alone, doing great activities and eating special treats, etc etc.

I try to tell them that I’m sure that they are all loved by mom. They don’t accept this.

Matters are far worse than can be described on this forum. My 12 year old daughter is extremely jealous of older sister who does not visit me.

They don’t feel deprived by coming to me; they feel that they are being deliberately distanced and categorised as less favourable. Does that make sense?

I firmly believe that my children love coming to me. They express this openly.
Yet the amount of hostility is so unhealthy. All efforts at communication have been rebuffed. All attempts at resolving issues and reconciliation have been thwarted.

It seems evident that the court / mediators / myself are all powerless in stopping the conflict.

Excuse my frustration. I will now revert to your kind replies.

licketysplit wrote “It's hard to say with a teen who doesn't have a say in whether she even goes to therapy. Has she expressed whether or not this is something she wants to do?” … “If your daughter is open to therapy, then it might be worth trying one that she gets to pick.”

I know – beyond reasonable doubt – that dear ex has told D “You have to go to therapy ‘cos your dad has demanded so”.
I feel that she does not have to liberty to express her own feelings, and she doesn’t sense that mom is supportive of the therapy. Is forcing therapy akin with fighting for peace?
T told me that D probably feels like loyal carer and protector, making sure that mom is never alone etc. I am not convinced that D is accepting therapy on her own accord.
I have suggested in the past that my children chose a T they can relate too, This was denied too.

NowhereUSA wrote: “No way to know without your daughter's thoughts”
It remains an enigma.

Soccer mom wrote in similar vein: “Your daughter would probably appreciate having some input”. – How can I get her honest personal input ??

HazelGirl wrote: “Could you ask your daughter why she does not want to speak to you? And really listen. If she is unwilling to tell you, could you ask her why she is unwilling to tell you?” – with Zero communication, no telephones answered and snail mail confiscated, how on earth can I reach her???

To ScarletPimpernel: Thanks very much for the advice. I have you tried reaching out to her by snail mail. I believe it was confiscated by mom. I should try again soon.

“Also, if you're doing things for your other kids, make sure you do the same for your 13 yr old. If you take the others out for food, bring your daughter food. If you take them out clothes shopping, buy your daughter something...even a gift card. And always invite her. This will help her know that when she's ready to reach out, you will be there.”
– What if feel her rejection? I feel as if she doesn’t want this attention. I sent a gift card 4 weeks ago; not a word of recognition or appreciation.

Growlycat –
Is your daughter angry with you? If so is any of the anger justified?
I have not been given the opportunity to ask her.

Feralkittymom -

Has your daughter articulated that she shares this goal? –
I don't hear much room in your account for your daughter's feelings, probably anger, to be expressed. – True. So if she won’t express her feelings, we cant know if she wants therapy. And if she doesn’t go therapy we wont know her feelings. Vicious circle.
I don't think her mother taking her to therapy, and taking her home, is unusual or controlling.
I assume she is not part of the sessions? – Mom is not part of the sessions, but T raised this concern of D having too little liberty to express herself, unaccompanied.

“it seems that your D has been made, despite any good intentions to the contrary, the "identified problem."” – How can I change this ???



Thanks a million to all of you for your continued guidance and support.