Hi strangerinchi, welcome to PC!!!
What's kind of standing out to me is the amount of on-line contacts/friends you've had. Now nothing wrong with that, but maybe if you could try to start hooking up with more people "IRL" you might find a bit more commitment there?? Maybe it's your self esteem or maybe something else that's making that harder for you............but if you want to talk a bit more about it..............???
And you know online sometimes people can leave out bits about their lives when they're talking, so maybe for some of the friends who have left, it's a lot more about them than about you..........perhaps they've had things going on in their "personal" lives that you don't know about that have made them lose contact.......that can sometimes happen "IRL" too but.........doesn't have to be about you.
And the low self worth/esteem...........hey you take pride in the fact that you've cut off contact with those guys who didn't meet your standards!!! Good on you for holding out for better, for setting your own expectations and sticking by them!!! That's a real good pointer towards remembering your worth!!!
But while there's nothing wrong with valuing acceptance and love from others, maybe you could start by looking a little deeper inside for things you can value about yourself, reflect on some of the things you've achieved, things that have gone well, things you've overcome..........things you can feel good about in yourself??? Even make some lists????
I'm sure there are enough things to make at least one list Then keep on adding to it, OK??!!!
And maybe you might like to set yourself some targets..........??? Things you could do that may make you feel better about yourself??? And that could be something as simple as starting/learning a new activity/hobby.................to start with.
And maybe the lead on of a bit more confidence could help with some of the "messing up"...........if you're not "overthinking" things..............that's if you're actually messing up as much as you think . You know low self esteem can have you focusing a lot more on what you think you've done wrong, than what you do right. And don't forget everyone is going to mess up from time to time!!! No-one's perfect!!!

Alison