The VA has an agency send someone over to help him 3 times per week. It comes out to 6 hours of help per week. Believe me, that 6 hours is a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of support he needs. They firmly tell me that he is not eligible for more.

I have told people, including the VA and his family, that, if this gets to be too much on me, that I will go off on a vacation somewhere. From what the social worker at the VA told me, they would basically just wait for something awful to happen (like a broken hip,) then force him into a facility for care. So, it's not like I have some assurance that, if I step out of the picture, someone else will step in. But I do think of just leaving town, after telling people that I'm leaving, and then just letting events follow their natural course.

His 3 adult children live at the other end of the country thousands of miles away. He used to go visit them annually. A few years ago, they told him to stop coming out to see them. After over two years of not seeing him, one of the daughters came out to check on him. When she got me alone, she started telling me she is worried about the expenses of his final arrangements after he passes away. She said she is worried her two siblings will stick her with the bill. I don't think that is any of my business. She and her husband have a joint income of over $200,00 per year. Her two siblings are quite comfortable also. None of them are struggling, young couples with small children. My friend was an alcoholic for years and will leave nothing to anyone. The daughter told me she wants to have a cremation and no church service. Then burial could be at a VA cemetery. I didn't criticize her at all.

None of his kids ever calls me to ask about him. They will call me if he gets hospitalized, but that's about it. So this daughter called me recently to badger me some more about final arrangements. (Whether to bring the remains back to near whree she lives, or just let him be buried here where he lives.) I was busy at the check out counter paying for groceries after shopping for her father. I told her I was busy. She called me back as I was driving to his place with the shopping. I got impatient and said something I regret. She started telling me about how she just doesn't know what her father would like done when he passes away. She's had years and years to check with him on that. I've told her years ago that he told me he doesn't worry about it. He's not terminally ill and could live a few more years. There is something phony about her coming to me with these questions.

She kept saying that she just doesn't know what to do when the time comes. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that I had an alcoholic uncle who died indigent. I said that my family made sure he had the same kind of funeral and burial that everyone else in the family had. Then I said, "But I guess different families have different values." Well, she blew up at me over that. She cried and screamed and said, "What are you saying?" and hung up in my ear. That's the last I heard of her, and maybe the last I ever will. She told me I was not grateful to her for coming all the way out to visit her father.

I regret making that remark, which I would admit was kind of snarky. I guess that when a father dies leaving no estate, that adult children can resent having any final expenses.

For many years, I've helped my friend out. Now on top of the stress of worrying about him all the time, I had to listen to all this stupid talk from the daughter.

If he were all that nice of a man to be around, I would still be living with him. We remain friends because I haven't had to live with him. But, now, as he is needing more and more attention, it's getting to remind me of when I did live with him. I feel demoralized and the idea of just leaving town does appeal to me.