"I glad to see you are still with your spouse after all this time and the challenges you faced. Did you ever just feel like you were tired of trying? " quote Cheatedon

Yes, I had periods where I did get tired of trying. I was married 10 years when I put my foot down because a friend told me about binge alcoholism. I have been married for 34 years now and a lot of the answers I had needed years ago were not available to me as they are now. Often my husband had blamed me and insisted I was the one with the problem and "should go see someone". I did reach out for help but I did not get the help I really needed. I wish I had the kind of therapist I have now, wish I knew then what I know now too. With my husband having two learning disabilities, it did really affect his self esteem in ways I did not understand, in ways "he" did not understand either. I lived through so many of his cycles and I still do only I have finally learned the "whys", not something available to me even though I literally pounded the pavement for help.

I was like you are, thought about the oath and thought that as long as he was trying to be patient. Yes, I had moments where I wondered if it was me being somehow wrong too. It really is not so black and white and it is good that you added in the other challenges you have been having. Your having a therapist just saying "oh that's too bad" is not going to help you, I think you really do want to understand it better and you really do deserve that. And in all honesty, your husband deserves to understand his challenges better too.

It is not unusual for a young man struggling the way he is to say he doesn't want to join a group or see a therapist too. He has already told you about his childhood challenges, but I am sure there is more to it that even he doesn't realize. My husband was 34 when he finally went to his first AA meeting because I finally put my foot down and told him our marriage would be over because I just could not take it anymore. I got lucky because when he did go he realized that "yes" he did have a problem and I was lucky that he found a good group and a great sponser that mentored him in a better direction.
However, that still did not change the fact that he struggled with two learning disabilities, dyslexia and ADHD that have their own challenges. What I have come to learn is that many alcoholics/addicts have these learning disabilities or are running from ptsd symptoms, running to drug use to avoid the emotional and self esteem challenges that bring on stress.

When you mentioned that your H did not come to bed, that wasn't about you, he is struggling and restless and probably can't sleep. He is also probably struggling, even terrified of being "drug free" too. He has already been down the road of drug addiction and even using heroin which can happen when a person becomes addicted to pain medications. You are not the only person who has the challenges that you have discribed and some of the people who become addicted to pain meds that begin seeking out other forms of highs often change in behavior patterns and can even become mean.
It is not unusual for these individuals to resist getting help too. Often they just cannot picture life being "sober". Actually I did have a friend that I tried to help and she even went to get sober but she just could not see her way to living her life without numbing herself with alcohol and she ended up dying from alcoholism.

Getting help when a person is younger and has someone who loves them and wants to be supportive can make a huge difference in that person learning how to live their life better. Everyone that I have met that has reached out and gotten support and improved has said they wish they had done it much sooner.

I suffer from PTSD myself because I suffered a lot of loss because of a neighbor's negligence. I had spent "years" building a lifestyle that was productive and positive for both my husband and daughter, both of whom struggled with learning disabilities. I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of damage I faced, not only in the loss of the horses and ponies I had slowly put together to have what I had, but also seeing how it had affected my husband and daughter who were very lost and challenged. I broke down and I did not know how to explain "all" that had been so badly damaged, years and years of dealing with the challenges I had been faced with in my husband and his problems and my daughter with her challenges as well. I don't think you can appreciate that from where you are right now, but I have been there myself and it was a long road for me to "stay" and be supportive, to often be the "alone adult" trying to figure it all out. Oh, how I would have loved to have met someone like me who had been through the gamit and could have helped me understand it better and mentor me. I certainly did look, even went to the alanon meetings, but it was so elusive. It was elusive because statisically the woman leaves, she often waits until her husband is sober and getting help and then she leaves. Do you know why? Because she really loves him, but she just gets tired of the cycles where she loves him when he is bad and first wants to make sure he is ok, then she can get mad at what the challenge is doing to her. So, she just wants to know her husband is getting help so she can finally leave and be released of that incredible challenge. It's "hard" to stay, it is often heartbreaking and very lonely, I know I lived it.

What is going on with your husband is "not his fault" and you will struggle as long as he refuses to get help, and "now" there is better help for him out there. I will be happy to talk with him about how he needs to reach out for help, how he deserves to get help and how that will make a difference in the life of that little child you both have too. Being "the man" is about him reaching out for the help to finally give himself the right direction verses just "running away" when he really can do so much better because I am sure deep down that he is such a good person worthy of "being loved".

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE