I can fully identify with what you wrote. My mother and grandma behave in very much the same way towards me. But it took me a very long time to fully come to terms with the truth about these relationships; that being that they are neither normal or healthy. Reading what you wrote has really helped me, in this regard, and I'm sure others will feel the same. You have explained the situation so well, and for me it has helped to show that toxic parent "child" relationships share similar characteristics.

Just as you explain, my mother was very supportive of me when I was growing up. In fact I would say that my early childhood was quite idyllic. But my mother seemed to change as I got older. I think that somewhere in all the care that she gave to me and other family members she lost sight of her self and her own identity. When I was very young (around 5 or 6) I remember that we would sometimes visit my mothers friends. But she allowed those friendships to die, over time. I think, in part, that the closeness of our relationship was a curse because she built her entire life around me and gave up everything else. Perhaps at the time she felt that she did not need anything else in her life, that it was full. I imagine that was true at the time, but a child is not a child for long, and I think a parent needs to try to strike a balance. That said, I'm not a parent, so this is easy for me to say. Anyway, it's quite extraordinary to read what you wrote about your instinctive feeling that your mother did not want you to date girls or have a relationship. I had exactly the same feeling. Looking back I had a few opportunities, where a girl was clearly interested in me. But I did not seize them mainly because I feared my mums reaction. Thinking about this now, that strikes me as very wrong. A mother should want her offspring to find happiness, in whatever form that takes. Analysing the situation now I see this had a negative impact on me. It meant that missed out on the opportunity to build experience of talking with girls that I liked and gain knowledge that would help me to select a suitable partner, later on. It was not until I moved away from home, at the age of 27, that I began dating. Before that I had zero experience in this area. Inevitably my early relationships were a complete disaster. Even thou I lived away from home, I would report every detail of my private life to my mum. After all I was programmed to divulge everything. If I withheld any detail, just as you mention, I would be accused of "secrecy". I find it quite remarkable to read what you wrote, since the language that your mother uses is so similar to that which my own mother used in arguments. Also the ferocity and turbulence of her temper seems similar too. When you wrote that your mother said "she kept pawing at me" those words could have been spoken by my mother.

I haven't yet read all of the comments which have been written in response to your post. But it strikes me that, as is usual for this forum, people have posted a lot of excellent advice. I would echo some of those points, for example, I feel it is important you recognise that in reality you mother does not have any control over you now. The problem is, that she has conditioned you to fear the consequences of displeasing her. In part this works rather like the tantrum which a child might throw, effectively your mother screams and then throws her self to the floor and holds her breath until you give in. The only way to correct her behaviour is not to give her what she wants, i.e. compliance with her wishes/demands. Unfortunately this will cause her to ratchet up the pressure on you in the hope that you will yield. She will probably also switch her tactics. Hard as it is, you have to be a bit cruel with her in order to be kind to yourself. Ultimately this is also better for her, she cannot go on treating you as thou you were still a child, she has to make a life of her own. Your breaking away will give her space to do that. What she chooses to do with that space, however is her choice. But she has to learn that she cannot manipulate you and unfortunately there is no gentle way to do that. I think you are quite right in your analysis, parents who are like this do not want their children to have romantic relationships because such relationships threaten to divert energy and time away from them. I agree with other posters, it would be better for you to move away and you are unlikely to be able to resolve the situation until you do this. In the future, would also encourage you to divulge very little information, about your private life, to your mother. Experience has taught me that my mother will always find something that she dislikes about a potential girl friend. Finally, try to watch out for history repeating itself. Sometimes we are drawn to partners that remind us of our parents, and so the offspring of toxic parents gravitate towards controlling partners. Try to spot this and in so doing break the cycle... and if you can do that maybe you can let me know how you achieved it since it's something I struggle with, lol.