(((Jane))), while I know it was so hard for you to have that therapy session, I am proud of you for going in anyway.

Here is what I think based on what I have listened to what you have shared of yourself.

I think that when this therapist took time away from being there for you that triggered you. That triggered you to feel abandoned because of your history where you needed and there was no one there for you. That also led you to doing what you knew how to do in your past avoid/shut down/disassociate yourself emotionally. It would make sense that going back to him would bring out some feelings of "I don't want to feel, I would rather try to avoid it". Plus, you did not have the language to express to him what his absense meant and probably even felt your were wrong and being too childish for having these challenging feelings, I have noticed your "self talk" when it comes to that to where you tend to discredit your deep emotions as being "too childish and whinney".

This is what came out in your dream too. You were "unworthy" of being picked on at the imaginary seminar that someone who was supposed to be a professional and highly esteemed was giving. That too is how you feel emotionally "unworthy" and will be overlooked when you have input in that kind of situation, something you have wrestled with when continuing your education as well. It is not that you really "are" unworthy either, but it is how you feel about yourself that came out in that dream.

The sexual assault part of the dream is expressing your emotional challenge about experiencing that in your past too. That long dream was all about how you have been challenged and did not have "help" with that challenge and how that has made you feel unworthy and even how you self blame for that and how you genuinely struggle to trust too.

First of all Jane, people who do that to others do that because "they" are sick and they have some deep issues with their own self esteem and take that out on others. That has happened to me too and yes I felt I did something wrong and I did not "tell" and now looking back I realize this individual did what he did because "he" felt so inadequate he was actually hurting me because he saw me as "better than or something he wanted to be but could not". This person ended up getting very involved with drugs, he married an older woman who also got involved with drugs and almost died. It was running for him, running away from himself and had nothing to do with me being unworthy at all.

Women notoriously blame themselves when it really is not about them at all, the person who does this is the one that is "messed up" and they tend to hurt women that they feel they will never deserve to have.

You definitely deserve to "grieve" what is "hurt in you" Jane, you never ever deserved to think the bad behaviors of others was ever "your fault" either. Yes, people have been "mean" to you but not because "you" deserved it EVER, it was always all about "their fears and issues and self anger" and nothing you did wrong. You were not the one damaged, it was the other person, "not your fault" either.

You also need to realize that when other people treat you badly or fail to comfort you when you "need" has nothing to do with your worthiness, but instead is because these other people do not know "how". You have to learn to not blame yourself for the inadequacies of others. And, it's ok to grieve how you have been challenged going way back because of the inadequacies of others too. Hurt emotions are not "childish", they are very "human" and happen at all ages in human beings.

Once you finally allow yourself to work through your past and get to really understand how to see it for what it really is and that most of the time you were hurt because the the problems of "others", you will really make some gains and you can be in a place to help others understand this as well. In this process you will also learn to better identify the language other people use that is expressing their "lacks" so that you can make better choices about who you should spend time with and who you should avoid too. As you learn this, you can help your son understand it better as well as help others that need help too.

You went to therapy even though you did not want to, it stirred up some challenges in you, bad dreams, all that have a meaning that you need to become more aware of so you can work through it and "heal". PTSD means "you have been hurt enough, it's time to heal".



OE