OE thanks for your kind words and insights....I always gain something when you reply to me and appreciate your kindness immensely.

I do need to work on historical stuff.......unfortunately, before my therapist went on leave I experienced what he keeps referring to as 'losing time'. I got stuck in a memory, and it was terrifying to me.......so because of that I now am afraid.

I told him this, that I almost didn't come back, that I wanted to tell myself I was totally fine and didn't need to be there any more. That maybe I couldn't face stuff. He told me that he wished he could say I wouldn't have to experience my difficult emotions or feelings or memories again in therapy, but that is not the case. And then he asked me what we could do in therapy for the time being that felt safe.

I told him, no more historical stuff before he goes on leave again(I have 2 more sessions then he's away again for 4 weeks ) and that if I do suddenly experience similar to what happened previously then I told him.....you need to do something to stop it, to help me get out of it! We both laughed at that......because clearly he can control what happens for me!

Juniper....thanks. It is kind of what I said to my therapist also, I just need to catch up and take it easy for a bit. Sounds like you have a great therapist.

OE...you are also right about the feelings of abandonment surfacing because he was away. I found out that he extended his leave for an extra day, and that was my usual day to see him. I, his client, of course came second to his need to support and be with his own family.........but it hurt. It also hurt that he hadn't let me know. He told me that he had called and asked his staff to advise me, so he was really surprised and very sorry that it had not happened.

I'm rambling........I think because I feel a bit lost right now. ANd trying to understand all of the things that went on in session, and also trying to avoid feeling by thinking things away logically.

Best go as need to get to a late shift at work, Sunday is not a day of rest for me any longer. At least I have a bit of work, so not really complaining.

Oh, Unguy...... sorry things are quite so tough for you. I do hope it gets better soon. Do you have a therapist to support you?