i start school in less than 10 days. idk if i can even do it not just cuz of my illness but because its school. i like school but never been good at it. i dont see my pdoc til jan 7 anyway. im afraid i wouldnt be able to think critically enough for school. i have never been able to do school on meds in the past ever. i just lay around and sleep all day dumbed down on meds.

ugh i think im just going to be like this for the rest of my life hearing voices and having paranoia. also i still cant converse very well off meds - like keeping on a conversation. im very confused all the time. but then on meds its just not better either.

idk what to with myself. either way its bad. really bad.

no matter what i accomplish - no matter what i do or where i go - i will always have this illness and it will always be holding me back and i will always be in the cycling mental health system.