I'm not totally comfortable yet, but I feel a little better about this T than the ones in the past.

I think it's partly him, and partly me...

I read here, someone talked about deciding to trust their T, and rationalizing that with the idea that all the boundaries that are in place (about them not contacting you if you quit, not sharing your information if you don't allow it, etc.) is all for your protection. That made sense to me. I took some big risks with sharing things (in writing, couldn't talk about them) very early on... because I knew I needed to do something different than I had in past (unsuccessful) T... and I figured if he ended up being a pushy jerk about it, I'd quit. I was really ready to quit too!

But, he's been great. I think he's naturally a little pushy and impatient, but he's really managed to slow down with me.

He's also been great with anything I've brought up that I'm unhappy about in therapy. He is completely (so far!) non-defensive, listens to what's bothering me, and seems to think carefully about it. He'll explain why he did/said whatever it was, and if it's something he can change to suit me he will. If it's something that he things he did wrong, he'll apologize. If it's something he can't change, he'll explain why.

That sounds SO basic, but none of my previous Ts were able to react like that with me (I had one that insisted that I was trying to "change" him!) Anyway, his reactions have made it quite a bit easier to bring up things with him, because he just doesn't seem (so far!) to get offended, hurt, or angry about this stuff.

He is also not a blank slate, which is helpful for me, especially in the beginning, and tends to react in a very real, human way. And, he can be expressive and funny when he needs to be, which again, feels more real to me - like he's not hiding behind some T-mask. Sometimes he fake whispers at me which makes me want to fall on the floor laughing!

So, I don't know. It's weird to me and I don't 100% trust any of it yet. He's not somebody that I think I would have picked... there was a lot of scariness in the beginning and I didn't think it was a good match. And this is going to sound *crazy*, but every time I was ready to quit (like every other session) - I was getting weird signs from the universe to stay. It was very very bizarre... but geez, who am I to argue with the universe

Oh! And when I get spacy/dissociative and feel like I'm falling backwards into myself and unable to talk, he's been the ONLY T so far that is actually able to pull me back out of that, and not make it worse. Even though he's not really trained to work with dissociative stuff, and wasn't really sure if I have dissociative issues.... which I kind of still find hysterical, just because I've so seen SO many Ts, and so many that are supposed to be good with dissociative disorders, who really made things worse. That alone, the fact that he reacts in a helpful way when I'm getting like that, was a HUGE big thing for me.

So I'm not fully 100% there yet, I still get nervous, and still write out things when I can't talk, and wasn't sure how he'd react to some big disclosures I had to make recently, but it's noticeably better than previous therapy so far, and that gives me hope and helps me to keep trying!