Hi folks. I'm really struggling at the moment.
I suffered from age 8 to 20 (I'm now 21) with an eating disorder. It took different forms over time, sometimes it was purely restrictive but more often it was bingeing (or at other points, eating normally) and purging. Things were especially bad in my early and then late teens, until my partner at the time encouraged me to finally get help when I was about 18. I rejected the help at first despite going to counselling appointments. Eventually I accepted it though and it has been an uphill battle, but I've quit purging so much. At the moment I've been free of purging for four months and it isn't the first time I've managed that! I know I'm making progress.

Unfortunately, before I committed to recovery I was underweight. I gained a little at the start of recovery, hated it but over time accepted it and almost liked my body for the first time since childhood. Unfortunately, the weight kept piling on, and in the last year I've become obese. This has obviously been immensely difficult for me because I've felt fat all my life, but now I'm at my highest weight and I truly am fat. I lose and gain weight very quickly, my weight can change drastically in only a few months. I am less distressed now than I was initially, but I'm still very uncomfortable with my weight gain and often contemplate relapsing (and have relapsed briefly with restrictive eating.)

I think my problem is that initially during recovery, I would exercise and each time, I would find I'd push myself too far and exercise excessively, driven by my disordered thoughts. It wasn't healthy so I cut out structured exercise for the most part. Unfortunately, I got really out of shape and now exercise is difficult for me, and I struggle to work it back into my routine.

And although the purging has stopped, I still sometimes binge. I feel like there's no other way to counteract a binge and light exercise doesn't seem to be cutting it. I haven't yet worked out how to stop the bingeing, and in fact I still struggle with understanding how "normal" people eat.

Many people in my life suffer from disordered eating or fullblown eating disorders. At the moment I see a friend losing weight due to her slowly escalating food issues. I try to stop her, but a part of me is jealous.

Please, can anybody help me? I really don't want to be this size forever. I also don't want to relapse, but I feel like if something doesn't change, it's where I'll end up.