Hello,

I'm new to Psych Central. I guess I'm here because I want to put off my work. I'm a 19 year old sophomore at a great college. And I should really have few complaints about my life but if I’m here, something must be wrong. My doctor said it was dysthymia two years ago.

I’m writing now because I’m unmotivated. I’m a burn out, a coward, and a complainer. For the past semester, I’ve put off all my work to the absolute last minute and have currently not started the research portion of a 10 page research paper due in two days. My life is a mess and it’s completely my fault.

My grades are going to crap and I’m not accomplishing as much as I should be. It’s better than it was last year. Last year was a lot of crying and a lot of naps – and a much lower GPA. I felt, and still somewhat feel, friendless – which is true I think. And I was also thousands of miles away from home. I’d just gotten out of a falling out with my dad – hence, the diagnosis with dysthymia – and so I didn’t talk to them the entire year except for holidays.

I feel as though I’m in a constant identity crisis. I keep trying to find out who I am or what I want to do. Each day of self-analysis and criticism really only leads to a firmer grasp of my weaknesses. My character flaws. My lack of discipline. My inability to manage time. My laziness. My melodrama.

It was a big thing to narrow down my major but otherwise I’m completely lost.

The world keeps spinning and I’m left behind. I know exactly what I need to do to fix this or two figure out how to fix this. I should study, make schedules, organize my life, work hard, apply to internships, work on my resume, and think long and hard about my life. I should do something. Anything. I need to move but I’m stuck.

It’s like trying to run a marathon with wet towels wrapped around your body. I just feel heavier and constricted by this ineffable thing. And soon enough I just stop running. And I know what I have to do – I have to keep moving, but I’m so tired and I don’t know what’s at the end of the finish line or if it’s worth finishing.

And the only thing I’m left with is stasis. That and my complaining.
Things with my dad have gotten better and he’s recently told me to live life for myself. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be happy and I certainly don’t know how to be an adult. I don’t know how people develop discipline or what they have in their minds that makes them do things they don’t want to do.

I’ve lost the ability to think about the bigger picture of my life. I don’t know how to sort out my priorities or find out what those are.

I’m just an idiot. A hopeless unmotivated self-loathing idiot who’s running out of time.

I wish I could change myself. I wish I could change the way I think. I want to be happy. I want to be motivated and driven. I want to want things. I want to have control over myself.