I realised this weekend that 'missing' my therapist is like the backdrop to my life. She is never far away from my mind. I don't even know why or what is going on, but I am so sad. I feel a bit awful saying this because I love her so much, but sometimes I wish I could press a button and forget her.

It is all well and good saying that transference should be worked through, and then it stops feeling like a pile of balls like this. But I wonder if sometimes it is simply too much? I am too dependent on this therapist and she will never be able to do enough because she is a therapist.

I feel quite sad because I think I have to give her scarf back, give the little gift back she gave me last year, and tell her that we need more firm boundaries where she doesn't do nice things for me, doesn't hug or come with me to hospital appointments, and doesn't tell me anything about herself anymore, because it makes me want her more. But if I ask her for all those changes, therapy will be totally different. It's almost like asking her to be a different person. I already feel distant from her thinking about this stuff.

I had such a nice weekend in terms of seeing people I truly love who actually want to spend time with me. Mulled wine and a quick catch up with good friends in London before getting out of town to a beautiful part of the countryside for a night seeing another good friend, watching dvds and stuffing our faces with nice food and drinking fizzy wine. I did not actually want my therapist during these times, it isn't that..it's more that every now and then she would cross my mind and I would feel so, so sad and excruciatingly alone even though I was with people I want to be with, and then annoyed because why am I even thinking about her? Why is my head trying to ruin my nice weekend with other people?? It doesn't make sense.

Why am I so ungrateful? Why can't I just accept the kindness, and not feel the longing for more?