Feeling kind of lousy. Two things.

First: T has repeatedly brought up that he thinks I'm a "rule follower". I don't know about this. I gave him some examples of me not following the rules, but afterwards, felt awful . My examples made me think that maybe T will think I'm a bad person now, or worse... it doesn't matter what T thinks, because it makes ME feel like a bad person.

I try to be a decent human, and to make good decisions. Not the same as blindly following the rules, in my opinion, but more to make decisions that I won't regret later... but all these things from my past made me feel pretty rotten to have them all here in front of me now. Lots of sadness after that session.

Second. T bugged me a couple weeks ago about SAT scores. (Note: I'm 40. the SATs were a LONG time ago). I told him honestly that I didn't remember. He didn't believe it. I think he was reading something I had written awhile ago, and apparently though it sounded much more articulate than I present when I'm freaking out in session because he seemed kind of shocked.

So, I was curious, found my scores and remember why I forgot them in the first place (disappointing!). T asked AGAIN (last week)... I broke down and told him... and now I feel really embarrassed and, well, stupid. Like, clearly, I'm not as smart as he thought, or as I thought. I used to feel pretty smart (I did well in school), but my scores seem... they're fine, but not really anything particularly exciting or something I'm proud of.

I'm sure it ties to all sorts of other stuff, because I ended up writing and crying and wanting to quit therapy (and everything else), etc today Just feeling very rotten and like... you know, I suck at everything, and the one thing I *thought* I had going for me (being at least a little smart) is getting pulled out from under me too.

This can't be how therapy is supposed to work? And... is it weird that I have these reactions *days* after my session? The rest of the session was pretty good, and I left feeling ok. This other stuff just seems to bubble up afterwards, and I'm not really sure how to talk about it later with T...