Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
Thanks ScarletPimpernel...
It does help to hear I'm not the only one who goes home and then reacts to things. I'm a little worried though... since most of the session was very validating, that if I keep bringing in these weird little things that upset me, he'll eventually think, "well why bother saying all the validating stuff if ALL you're going to focus on is the one bad thing!"  I know in therapy that I shouldn't be worried about driving off my T, but you know, it happens... I seem to be good at driving people with stuff like this.
Thanks... it's just so weird (with the SAT scores). I don't know, I just think maybe I'm fooling myself. I thought I had gotten over all this stuff, and had kind of come to a place where I thought "IQ" really didn't matter, since there are so many ways of being smart that aren't measured by tests, but... it's still bugging on me. And I feel set up, I wish I had just not looked up the stupid score, and not talked any more about it
re: The rules... I don't think it's the not following the rules that bothers me, I think it was just seeing all these examples of me behaving kind of badly, all together, from my past. I don't know.
Thanks... I'm going to try to get some sleep now... night.  |
I understand feeling like you drive people away. Due to all the people who have abandoned me, I feel like if I don't "walk on eggshells" I might lose someone (go figure...I'm the one with BPD
). Even with my T, I fear saying one wrong thing will make her leave.
Exapmle: This week has been difficult for me and I've had a lot of support from my T outside of session. Last time, she was mad at me...out of concern, but still mad. So I begged her to not be mad at me. She replied "we'll talk about it on Tuesday", a typical response. But I freaked out and had a complete breakdown. My fiance called her and left her a msg saying I just needed reassurance. She emails me back saying she can't call and "we'll talk about it Tuesday". O.M.G. Thankfully, 2 mins later say replies "no need to worry, btw". Jeez. I made such a little issue turn into an entire crisis. Of course, now I feel stupid.
But my point is, I do understand how sometimes the one little thing wrong seems to override all the positive. Maybe just being it up to your T and just say you need some reassurance about those things? I don't know if it's the same for you, but I think I do this because I'm so used to being rejected, so I look for it even if it doesn't exist. And if I find something that might appear to be rejection, I dwell on it. The best thing to do is try to get reassurance.
You know, h.s. is a hard time for most people. Hormones, peer pressure, becoming an adult but not being one, figuring out what to do with your life. You don't even need to suffer from mental health and it can be one of the most stressful times in our lives (why many diagnoses aren't given while a teen). And with all the stress, we're expected to be at an optimal mental state to take a test that supposedly determines how good we will be in college? Haha...B.S. Some people even have test anxiety. For me in h.s., my friends thought I was dumb. Many teachers thought I was dumb. I wasn't. I just had no mental capacity to excel in education at the time. I do understand how your T bringing it up could be upsetting and even triggering. It was something so important back then but has no reflection on who you were and who you are. But yet your T made it important again. Maybe ask him why SAT scores are important to him?
About behaving badly: I have made a lot of dumb, bad, whatever you want to call it, choices in my life. When my past choices bother me (or past experiences), I reflect on the situation. Did I intentionally make the "wrong" choice? Was something else going on that didn't allow me to think clearly or rationally? How has that decision affected my life? What have I gained from that decision (even if it was a lesson learned)? How has it made me a better person?
It wasn't a choice, but I wound up homeless at 18. It was a horrible experience. But I look back at all that I gained from it: appreciation for people who struggle, appreciation for friends, appreciation for a roof!, and money, etc. I learned how to accept people, love people. I got to learn from people who have struggled. So I question myself: was being homeless worth all that I gained? For me, yes. I don't want to go through it again, but I'm glad for the positive experiences that came from it. I do this with all things in my life. Would I have x relationship even if I knew the outcome from the beginning . The answer is always yes. So I might not like the things I've been through or done, but I don't regret them either. I just also don't want to do it again
Sorry for the novel. I just feel like I can really relate. But I do hope that you can bring some of this up to your T, and I hope he provides you with the clarity and reassurance you need.
If it helps even a little, know that I wouldn't judge you for anything you've done including your SAT scores.