At this point I really don't know what to do. I have completely fallen apart and I don't think I can do this much longer. I am so exhausted of the mental strain. My days consist of a constant mental battle with myself having a non stop feeling of anxiety and unsureness in my gut. My thoughts are all very self loathing and destructive.
I have developed an anxiety disorder called HOCD... It is absolutely aweful, basically I am terrified that I am turning gay even though I know I am straight and have never been the least bit unsure for 19 years. My mind is literally out to make me miserable, literally with this type of OCD my head is trying to trick me into thinking I am gay, there are moments were I realize how absouletly ridiculous it is and how obvious it is that I am not but then the next moment I am thrown back into this anxiety and am completely unsure, even though every day I can get aroused by girls for some reason this isn't enough to stop this, even though I know it is an anxiety disorder i cant beat it, I am making progress but it is so dificult and infuriating and so very hard to stay persistent.
I am also dealing with what I believe to be pelvic floor dysfunction but we are still not sure and I have been having very concerning symptoms in my genitals for 5 months... I am 19 and my penis hurts and is uncomfortable everyday... When these problems began my anxiety worsened, which I believe is how about a month ago or so is why this HOCD started because I have been over thinking everything and feel so unsure about everything.
I feel so hopelessly alone and like literally no one could love me, I can no longer even picture myself in a relationship which is what I used to want more than anything, just to have a person who had some understanding of me and cared about me, I still want it so bad but with all these other problems its so hard to even think that is a possibilty. I feel like I'm not a person, I hate myself and all my self loathing depresive thoughts. I hate my anxiety and unsureness, I feel absolutely insane and I don't know what to do.
I literally never imagined it could get this bad in my head. I have been unhappy since I was about 15 and I always thought I was depressed until about a year ago when it worsened so severely and I realize I had no idea how bad it could get. I felt like I was dead inside and the feeling continued to worsen. Now that all of these problems are here I feel so insane and horrible that I can't even believe it... I think it can always get worse and I am absolutely terrified it will just keep getting worse, it is getting really really hard... I know everyone is sad and life is hard but I can not put into words how difficult of a time I am having, literally even my own mind is against me...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Last edited by FooZe; Dec 08, 2014 at 03:56 AM.
Reason: added trigger icon
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