Hi, everyone! This is my first time posting besides the new member intro. post I did awhile ago. Have been putting it off because of fear and feeling I'm a freak and no one will understand.

But here goes. I've had OCD most of my life, but for the past 20 years I've struggled with the Pure-O/unwanted thoughts variety. It's caused me so much anguish, and I have often been so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that I've wanted to die.

For the past several years though there has been a psychotic/delusional aspect to the OCD, so that it feels my mind has been taken over by constant painful mental torment.

What's been especially difficult for awhile is that I've read a lot of conspiracy theory stuff, about the Illuminati, and so forth, and so much of it has been so horrific that I'm not sure what I can turn to for comfort anymore, because according to these things everything is sinister and calculated and even spirituality can't be trusted, because these evil forces are manipulating that too.

It leads me to feel completely alone because most people dismiss these things as nonsense, including my therapist, even though people are coming forward now who say they've suffered terribly at the hands of the Illuminati.

I guess it's OCD-oriented in the sense that I think about it pretty much from morning to evening and make all these associations and connections that may be a bit delusional, thus the psychosis part of the diagnosis. I feel crazy and don't know what's real after reading about the terrible things they've done and the way our world is controlled. I wish I didn't believe it, but I do. Maybe not all of it, I mean some of those conspiracy theorists are really imbalanced and extreme and of course I try and take things with a grain of salt. But a lot of it makes sense in light of how much suffering and cruelty and evil there is in the world.

I don't know if the OCD forum is really the right place for this, but seeing as I do have OCD, and pretty severe OCD at that, I thought I'd try posting here.

If anyone can relate, I'd appreciate hearing what you think about it.

Thanks!