So Friday my phone died and we were opening stockings with our child. I grabbed his phone to take pics. When we were done I opened his gallery to send myself the pics I took. He got nervous. And came and got his phone to send me the pics. I caught an image of someone that was naked in his gallery. I couldn't make out if it was him or a girl. I asked him to show me and he deleted it. He said it was a picture of someone's behind. I was sitting next to him and told him that he needed to be real honest with me about what that was. He said he got a random message with a naked girl on it. He says he accidentally saved the pic and it was just like porn to him and nothing more. He says that he didn't know who it was or who sent it. He did say he should have deleted it before I seen it. Which struck me from the earlier comments. Really he just shouldn't have any naked correspondences with anyone. He said he knows lots of provocative girls from his past and they hit him up all the time. I said I have lots of guys from my past too. The conversation usually goes "cute kid", "so you're married now", "how is everything"... NEVER naked photos. He agreed it was inappropriate. I told him I have been hurting a lot since his incident and my nerves are shot and I have been leaning on my lorazepam for anxiety attacks a lot lately because we are not ok. He didn't have anything to say really. He said he loved me and assured he wasn't doing anything (meaning sexual). He held me while I cried and stroked my hair. The rest of the weekend was very awkward but we didn't bring it back up. He knows I am hurt. He spent the rest of the weekend making sure he kept in contact with me as he worked Saturday. Sunday he didn't just run off to do his supply shopping. He asked if we wanted to go with him and made a point to keep mentioning it was a family date and how much he loves his girls.

He does not see how much I am hurting and will not admit he needs to see someone or change his number to rid his life of his past. His excuse about not changing his number is that work clients have that number and he might miss out on a job.

When he hugged me I just looked away. I didn't feel the closeness. I have put up a wall. His words don't have any merit with me anymore. I spend every moment I am with him weighing out whether I should leave or not. Will it get better? Maybe once he is completely off of the suboxone treatment he will change. I keep telling myself to wait it out. This is a phase, it will get better. But how much of my life do I give? And, it breaks my heart that I am even considering leaving. Not only for me but for our baby and even for him. This was supposed to be a lifetime of happiness, not questioning if he is being truthful or is being faithful. I hate this.